


Dean, I need you. Can you hear me?

by soundoftragedy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x19, Angry Sam Winchester, Angst, Bloodloss, Depressed Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s09e19 Alex Annie Alexis Ann, Gen, Hospitalization, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Sad, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 15:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8719780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soundoftragedy/pseuds/soundoftragedy
Summary: Vampire slit Dean's wrists and Sam has to save him. Will they get over their issues when Dean's life is in danger and Sam learns some horrible truths about his brother? Set in 9x19 Alex Annie Alexis Ann . Hurt!depressed!hospitalized!Dean worried!angry!asshole!Sam . Trigger warning in the tags.





	1. Open your eyes, Dean

this **fic will be an emotional rollcoaster**. get ready.

_Also, check out my other story "this is goodbye", I'm really proud of the second chapter of it, hehe_

* * *

**LAME TEASER(S)**

_And what was he expecting? Dean clearly didn't want to see him, he didn't knew what Will told him, his last memory of Sam was how he handed him a gun after, let's just say, an unpleasant rant._

_"Sam, what are you still doing here?" Dean's doctor approached him, looking unsatisfied. "I hope you're not bothering him, otherwise-"_

_"No, no, I was just talking to doctor Warren for quite some time. He thinks he and I should talk."_

_"Well, no offense, Sam, but until Dean will be comfortable with you, I still can't allow you to see him."_

_"Yeah, yeah, I get it." he murmured. "When will he be released?"_

_"Well, firstly, I need to see how he's doing and if he's well enough, we'll move him to a regular room. We are still monitoring his heart closely, his vitals seems to stay stable, although, we are still giving him the oxygen and vitamins. After consultation with doctor Warren we decided to keep him on..._

_._

_"If you can talk with Will, you sure as hell can talk with me."_

_"Who says I want to talk to you" Dean asked._

_"I'm sure you don't, but there are things that must be discussed. Once we talked I'll be outta here and let you rest."_

_"Why don't you get out now and save the trouble, huh?"_

_"Because once I do that, you will never talk. And you will ask them to secure your room or something or just sneak out somehow. Your wrists are bruised from trying to get out of the restrains. So, I'm not taking any chances. By the way, I'm already there."_

_"I ain't talking to you" Dean said, turning away. "You didn't want to talk for months, don't start now."_

_He didn't want this. He didn't want Sam interrogating him. He just wanted to be left alone._

_Sam exhaled._

_"Dean I… I'm sorry for what happened. I've been way too harsh on you. I… I didn't mean it, any of it. I mean I-"_

_"What, you didn't meant to come in, start shouting for God knows what and then give your broth- give me a g-_

**THE END OF LAME TEASTER**

* * *

"There we go" a vampire slit Dean's wrist and held it over the bucket. "We're packing lunch" he explained.

He went back to pack his stuff.

Sam stared at Dean. He was unconscious and bleeding heavily, he wondered how they will get out of this one.

"Now, you're both going to die. Simple as that" vampire said out of the blue, like he owed Sam an explanation. He went back to Dean and leaned in to secure his hand over the bucket.

Dean suddenly jumped to life and inserted a needle he was hiding into the vampire's neck. Dead man's blood. The vamp fell to the ground screaming when poison worked through his system.

Another one jumped into the fight immediately.

Once on his feet Dean swayed a bit, blood loss hitting him hard; his world was spinning. But he had to fight through this. He attacked the vampire and a little while after he managed to chop its head off, he couldn't say how. He gathered all his strength, grabbed his knife and went to help Sammy by cutting ropes from one of Sam's hands as quickly a possible, breathing heavily. He completely forgot about the second blood sucking monster.

"Dean!" Sam shouted when the vampire stood up and attacked the older hunter. Dean was too dazed to register what was happening.

The vamp dropped him on the floor harshly.

He clearly wasn't pleased for a shot of dead man's blood and killing his so called brother have't improved his mood either.

Dean hit the floor with a thud.

Sam hurried to cut the rest of the ropes when he saw Dean laying completely stunned on the floor.

* * *

Dean hit the floor hard.

His breath hitched, his vision wavered, everything was fuzzy. He couldn't hear anything, blood pounding in his ears way too loud and ribs screamed bloody murder at him. Dean peered his eyes a little and saw someone looming over him so he tried to fight, hunter's instinct still refusing to let him go.

The older Winchester felt a sharp pain - that someone cut his throat and loomed over.

_Oh crap._

He was about to become a dinner.

Dean tried to fight it, he really did, but his arms weren't responding like they should have, his vision was fading into black abyss and he was falling, falling, falling! Numbness was taking over him in a speed of light.

In the end, he gave up, but he could have sworn he heard someone calling his name.

* * *

Sam was frantic.

He managed to cut the rest of the ropes that was holding him and kill the vampire looming over his brother, but Dean was laying on the floor, still bleeding, pale as a sheet and unresponsive.

"Dean?!" he shouted.

He kneeled in front of his sibling.

"Heeey, Dean? Open your eyes for me, c'mon man, you're scaring me. Dean?"

He tapped Dean's face. His skin was clammy and cold. Lips had a tingle of blue, which meant he wasn't getting enough oxygen. Things can never be simple for them, can they?

"Dean?" he asked again hopefully, getting nothing.

He quickly tore his shirt and wrapped Dean's still bleeding arm. Friggin blood sucking vampires.

"Oh, man, you've lost so much blood… Dean?" he slapped Dean's face again and again, trying to get a response. No response meant they're in a deep shit.

Dean moaned.

"Dean? Hey, open your eyes, Dean." Sam gently shook him, studying his face. If Dean would regain consciousness maybe everything will turn out okay. But Dean was slipping under again, Sam needed to try a new tactic. "Wake up!" he shook his sibling harder. "That's an order, Dean."

To his surprise, Dean did. Of course, barking orders at Dean like John Winchester would do always seemed to do the trick.

His eyes were glazed over and unfocused, Sam noticed and then shivered himself.

They _were_ in a deep shit.

"Hey, Dean, we need to go and help Jody, okay?" he told Dean with a voice of a five year's old. " Now we gotta stand up, okay, Dean? Whatever you do, just don't go to sleep, alright? No sleep, Dean. C'mon."

Lack of response from the older Winchester gave him chills, it was never a good thing. If Dean was bitching and complaining about everything, he knew everything will be okay, it was Dean's way to hide his pain and make him feel better, but when Dean got silent… Oh boy, when he was silent it meant they were way over their heads and everything was spinning out of control.

He quickly pulled Dean to his feet, trying to be as gentle as possible. He was happy to see him standing, but all his optimism died as quickly as it was born; Dean instantly went ghostly shade of pale and collapsed to the ground. Sam catched him and held him upright.

"We better hurry up" he murmured more to himself that Dean.

Sam dragged his brother down the stairs and put him on the couch. If he needed to fight a vampire, Dean won't help anyway.

"Stay there and try to stay awake, okay? I'll be right back" he told Dean, trying to catch his eyes, but he was already a lost case.

It felt so wrong to leave his brother like this, even if he knew he'll be back in a matter of minutes. He can't leave Jody.

And why did it always ended up like this? Every time they were at each other's throats something bad, like this bad, happened.

Oh man, their luck sucked.

* * *

it sucked, but review, maybe?^^


	2. Hold on

"Sam, he needs hospital immediately" Jody announced with a serious voice.

"Jody, I think I can…"

"He's in a severe shock already, he lost too much blood, do you need me to keep going? No. So you're going to sit in my car and you are going to drive him to the hospital. Then come back for me when you can" Jody stated, leaving no space for an argument. "But first, lift his legs up, Sam."

Sam immediately obeyed. It's not like he didn't know what to do, he did, but the sheriff was clearly indignant at him for even mentioning that he can try and handle this by himself.

They lifted Dean's legs to get more blood flowing into his head and heart.

Not long after Dean opened his eyes, disorientated.  
"Hey, are you with me, Dean?" the younger Winchester asked, studying Dean's eyes, not liking what he was seeing. His condition was damn right serious.

Dean just stared at him, frowning, trying to understand what was going on.

"Sam, there is no time for melodramatic stares and explanations, you can tell everything to him later. Now, he needs a professional help, so I suggest o to move your eyes before he flat-lines in front of us." Jody declared loudly, bringing Sam back from his thoughts.

"Right"

Sam mumbled some nonsense to his brother, lifted him up in a fireman's carry and carried him to the car.

Dean started mumbling something incoherently and then was out like a light again. Sam gently laid him in the backseat, then put some clothes under his legs to keep them higher. Soon after that he drove to the hospital like crazy.

* * *

They admitted him immediately.

He was quickly laid on a bed, nurses attached him to a various machines, trying to get his vitals. Doctor appeared next to him out of nowhere, flashing light to Dean's eyes, checking him all over. He was the one to state the fact what Dean needs right now.

"We have an urgent patient here" doctor shouted to his staff. Then started shouting his vitals to the nurses and another doctor who came in.

"Unresponsive, blood pressure 80 over 40 and dropping, he's in a hypovolemic shock, going to a cardiac arrest, he needs an adrenalin shot, move it, people!" the doctor shouted. "We need to stabilize him, stop the bleeding, give him fluids and blood transfusion, oxygen, tests, damnit, his vitals are bottoming..."

Sam watched how Dean's little heart monitor's alarms went off and it started beeping uncontrollably. He was in a cardiac arrest, if they won't do something soon he will flatline right in front of him…

"Shit, he's crashing!" someone shouted.

_No shit, Sherlock._

Sam didn't realize he was holding his breath when doctor put a syringe into Dean's IV. After what seemed like a lifetime the monitor's screeching stopped and his heart rate went into its normal rate. Well, not normal, but 'flatline free zone' rate at least.

Gosh, Dean looked terrible, or more likely, dead. If he hadn't got him here when he did… Sam was terrified to think what would have happened.

"... take him to OR, 7th is available right now. Move it people, we don't have time!" one of the doctors shouted. They unhooked Dean from the machines, keeping the IV.

Sam stood, frozen, in the middle of the ER hallway when they wheeled his brother away. From what he heard, Dean was already one foot in the grave. He just hoped he got him here in time. At this moment their arguments and shouting matches seemed like the least important thing in the world. They only made Dean reckless and hurt. It was pointless.

He sighted.

Their luck was kicking them in the ass once again.

"Sir, you need to fill the forms…" a nurse approached him.

"Yes, of course…" he answered vaguely, taking the forms. The young hunter quickly filled them, not really paying attention to what he wrote. He needed to go back and help Jody.

* * *

"C'mon, Jody, you need hospital too. Your leg looks bad"

Sam was back at the cabin to help Jody out, but she was stubborn.

"We're a little short on hands here, Sam, and I'll be fine, it's just a sprain" she assured him.

"You sure?"

"Yea, it's not like a first time. I got this. What about Alex tho? We can't keep her locked down."

"I fixed the cure" Sam gave her a bottle with a dirty looking and probably disgusting drink. "She needs to drink it all. Then, let's just say, it's going to be rough couple of days, but she'll be fine afterwards. And human."

"That's great." Jody smiled. Then looked at Sam, worry in her eyes. "What about Dean?"

A shadow crossed Sam's face.

"He's ugh… he's…"

"He's alive, isn't he?" Jody shouted, fear in hers voice visible.

"For now at least, yeah." Sam said.

"For now?! What do you mean, for now? Sam Winchester, you better…"  
"Jody!" Sam interrupted her. "I don't know a lot. They took him away once we got there, but from what I've heard and seen, he isn't doing very well. He went into a cardiac arrest right before my eyes, his vitals went to shit, I don't even know if he's still alive or…" Sam shook his head. " Anyways, I should go back if you don't need any further assistance here."

"Yeah, Sam, go back, I'll call you later to see how everything's going, alright?" Jody tapped him on the shoulder. "Dean's tough, he'll pull through this" she reassured him, offering a kind smile.

"Yeah" Sam muttered, heading to the car.

Suddenly, he wasn't so sure if Dean was that tough anymore.

* * *

_was this any better? tell me what you think or expect:._

_review?_


	3. Let this all be a bad dream

He was waiting for the news impatiently.

Why does it take so long?

Sam couldn't stop pacing the room. He felt nauseous. What if Dean dies? He was in a really bad shape when they came in. He'll die thinking Sam hated him. Jesus, what if…

"Is Dean Weller's family's here?"

"Yes, it's me. Call me Sam" the younger Winchester quickly ran to the doctor. "How is he?"

"You might want to sit down, son."

Sam felt a dread wash over him and land somewhere in a pit of his stomach, he was sure he was gonna puke. Doctor must have seen it.

"He's alive, Sam" doctor was quick to assure him.

When Sam finally found his footing again, he nodded to the doctor to keep going.

"He suffers from a heavy blood loss, severe dehydration and exhaustion. When he came in here he was already in a deep hypovolemic shock, his vitals were dangerously bottoming. We did everything we could to boost up his system, but we weren't quick enough; he went into cardiac arrest, but we managed to bring him back. We fixed his wounds just fine, now were giving him fluids, vitamins and blood transfusion, monitoring his heart work closely. Also, his ribs were pretty bruised and looks like they were broken a month or so back and still aren't healed completely, so they'll be pretty painful for a couple of weeks, he should take it easy. I suspect he has a concussion, but we can't tell for sure, since he still isn't awake yet. And, since his lungs refuse to cooperate as they should, we're helping him breathe." doctor paused. "His condition is still critical, we're monitoring him very closely, because his condition might get worse at any second. Until he's stable and starts improving, he'll be staying in the ICU, since he's prone to any infection now more than ever."

"But… he's going to be alright?" Sam asked. He needed to hear it again.

"If his condition stabilizes and he won't get any worse, he'll make a full recovery." doctor assured. "But I'd like him to see a psychiatrist once he's awake. I've seen some worrying scars on your brother's body, and since his blood test showed that his immune system is worryingly weak, lack of vitamins in his body and dehydration on top of it, i suspect him being depressed. But until that, let's just get him better. I'll lead you to his room." doctor said.

Sam stood up.

From all that he's heard his legs felt like jelly.

* * *

When Sam saw Dean, laying in the hospitals bed, looking so fragile and connected to so many various machines and vires, he felt sick. Dean looked death warmed over.

He had blood transfusion and fluids IV's in his arms, blood pressure machine, heart monitor,, oxygen mask on his face and all other equipment, he looked barely alive if at all.

Sam sat next to him and sighted.

Their life sucked.

This hunt wasn't suppose to end like this.

First one vampire captured him and Dean had to give up, then he got sliced. At least they sliced his wrist not his neck. But still, he was bleeding for too long; Sam was surprised how he got the energy to even get up from the ground, probably adrenalin. Altho, thank god he did, otherwise they both would be dead by now.

Dean looked so small in the hospital's gown.

But at least he was alive and breathing. His chest was moving up and down slowly, Sam was finding comfort in this motion.

Sam took his unmoving cold hand into his own and gently rubbed it in circular motions.

There was no reaction from Dean, he would be really mad if he knew Sam was holding his arm.

But how could he not?

He needed some reality to grasp onto, to know for sure, it was real, that Dean was still there, still fighting.

He knew they weren't on their best terms right now, but he hadn't wished death for Dean, not now, not ever.

The room was quiet, except for the quiet whoosh - whoosh from oxygen machine and beeping from heart monitor.

Sam stared at his brother, still rubbing his arm.

Then something on them got his attention.

He leaned closer.

Scars.

Faded lines across his wrist.

Sam could have sworn the world around him crashed down with a loud bang, leaving nothing but shattered pieces of glass lying around. He roughly grabbed Dean's arm and peered into it. He wasn't wrong. Wished he was.

On both of Dean's wrists went deep horizontal lines.

_Jesus._

Did… did Dean tried to kill himself? They looked weeks, maybe months old at least. Oh god… maybe after Gadreel? When they split up?

This could not be real.

Are these scars doctor have referred to him earlier?

Sam felt his arms shaking, his whole body was shaking, so much happened in the last 12 hours. So many thoughts and emotions were running through him at this moment, he just couldn't deal with them all right now.

He closes his eyes, praying for it to be just a bad dream. When he opened them again nothing changed.

The younger hunter felt tears welling up in his eyes. How could he not know any of this? He knew Dean better than anyone in the entire world, how could he miss this? It wasn't some frigging mood swing he missed, some pie he forgot, this was a suicide attempt.

He knew Dean was depressed, he wasn't sleeping or eating like he should have, his drinking was picking up tops, but he never, not even once thought that his brother could be this bad off.

They were playing a blame game again and Dean was losing not only this game, but also himself.

The thing is, he didn't know what to do now. If Dean will figure out what he knows, he will close off completely or he'd run away, he will shut down or will try to hurt Sam so he'll go away, but not talking about it wasn't an option either; he might do it again. Sam can confront him when he's still in the hospital, he can't just up and leave.

But until that…

Sam leaned into a chair.

He needed a plan.

His phone vibrated. He stood up and went out, swaying a bit. Sam completely forgot that phones aren't allowed in the ICU.

"Hello?"  
"Hi, Sam, it's Jodi. How are you doing, how's Dean?"

"Hey, um… I'm okay I guess…"

"And Dean?" Jodi demanded.

"He's uh… he's in the ICU, Jodi. It's pretty bad." Sam finally exhaled.

"Jeez… what's his condition? Don't spare the details, Sam."

"He's still critical. When we got there his vitals where bottoming, he was deep in the shock and was already going into cardiac arrest. They're still trying to boost up his system and are giving him blood transfusion, vitamins, fluids and all that stuff, also oxygen since his breathing is messed up. I can't tell you more until he's at least stable, but it was a close call, still is." Sam said shortly, not telling her anything about possible suicide attempt nor scars.

"That sounds pretty bad, but it's Dean, Sam, he's a fighter - he will be fine."

"Yeah, i really hope so, Jodi" Sam said. "How's Alex?"

"She'll be fine, just an aftermath after being a vampire, you know. Don't worry, Sam, stay with your brother. Call me when you know more, okay? Talk to you later"

"Bye"

Sam hung up.

"Sam?" doctor approached him.

"Yes? Is there something wrong?" Sam immediately assumed, feeling his heart rate pick up a speed.

"Uh, no. But visiting time is up in 40 minutes, so after that i suggest you to go home, get a hot shower and plenty of rest. And eat something."

"No, i gotta stay with my brother…"

"This isn't an option, Sam. First, you look like a roadkill, even your shirt are still bloody, and second, ICU has strict rules. We make exceptions, yes, but staying here you won't help anyone in any way. If something changes, we will call you. If not, you're welcome to come back here tomorrow morning."

Sam nodded. Doctor looked determined to get Sam to rest, there was no way he would talk him to do otherwise.

He went back to sit by Dean's side while he could.

Ten minutes later he saw Dean stir.

Sam blinked to see if he wasn't imagining this.

"Dean? Hey man, c'mon, wake up" he encouraged him.

.

Dean slowly opened his eyes.

Everything was blurry, he couldn't understand where he was or why he felt so numb and heavy or where that weird scent came from.

"Dean?"

Dean blinked couple more times, trying to get the fuzziness out of his head.

_Hospital._

That's where he was.

_That explains a lot._

But why was he there?

"Dean, it's okay, you're in a hospital." Sam said.

Dean looked at him, frowning. It was still hard to think and put his thoughts in order.

What was Sam doing here? Wasn't he mad at him?

"Wh't yo're d'ing h're?" he mumbled, his voice hoarse.

_How long was he here?_

Sam stared at him, looking like he's about to cry.

"Uhh, you're still confused, Dean…" Sam said.

_No he wasn't._

"You're in a hospital because these vampires almost fucking killed you, you're lucky to be alive. But you'll be okay, just rest, alright…"  
"Why are you h're?" Dean asked again. It was hard to speak with an oxygen mask on his face, so he lifted his heavy arm and tried to pull it away.

"What do you mean, Dean?" Sam asked. "No, leave that here, it helps you breathe." Sam pulled his arm away from the oxygen mask. Dean wanted to move it again, but he had no energy left and Sam's arm felt like it a ton of bricks or something.

Dean felt sleepy again, he was just so tired…

"You sa'd we're n't br'thers… ''y you h'ere?" Dean mumbled fuzzily again, almost asleep.

Sam paled after his words.

"Dean, I… hey, wake up!" he gently nudged him when Dean's eyes started dropping.

"M'tired… go h'me" Dean murmured and closed his eyes completely, asleep.

Sam couldn't make out what just happened.

Sure, he was mad at Dean, but he didn't intend to leave him? Even in his drugged state his brother thought Sam didn't want to be with him. Dean was farther away than he thought.

The question is, how is Sam going to get him back this time.

* * *

comments, kudos? :) they make my day


	4. I'm sorry

I'm sorry, it's really hard for me to write and check the grammar and everything, i've got a killer migraine. so, sorry for all the wrongs.

Also.

**DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED**

ALRIGHT?

DO.

NOT.

READ.

JUST, GET OUT. DO NOT READ. CLICK THE X AND TUN THIS PAGE OFF.

sorry for mistakes xx

* * *

Sam came back the next morning.

He barely slept and felt irritated. When he went to get breakfast he shouted at the young waiter for taking so long, everything was getting on his nerves.

Doctor was already waiting for him.

"Well, you look better, son." he said.

"Is there something wrong?" Sam automatically assumed, ignoring doctor's remark.

"No, actually, he's stabilized and i hope he stays that way. We talked a bit earlier. He's still weak and can't stay awake for more than a few minutes, but if he keeps improving things are looking up to him."

Sam let out a breath of relief.

"But i have to warn you: his immune system is down, he's prone to any infection, his body will not be strong enough to fight it, so, if you were sick recently or still are sick, i'm afraid i can't let you visit him anymore."

"No, I'm not sick, haven't been in a good couple of months, and it was just ago back then too."

"That's great to hear. Also, don't stress him out, stress might cause damage too, since we had to restart his heart only yesterday. So, please, be careful. Everything can wait. Have a nice day and call a nurse if you need anything."

Sam nodded again, wishing for doctor to leave him alone. "Thanks doc"

He went in to see his brother.

Dean was asleep.

He looked slightly better, but only just. His oxygen mask was replaced with nasal cannula, blood transfusion bags were gone too, only two IV's left.

Sam sat in the chair next to him. He needed to talk with Dean, maybe he'll be in a better state of mind than yesterday - less confused at least. He couldn't keep quiet now.

Sam shifted uneasily in his chair. He should have brought his laptop. He needed to do something useful, now he's just sitting and staring at his sleeping brother. Gosh, why was he so jumpy?

Sam inhaled deeply, trying to calm down. He found comfort in watching an even rise and fall of his brother's chest. It was so comforting and felt like home.

After some time Dean started waking up.

Finally.

Sam leaned in closer and put his hand on Dean's, nudging slightly.

"Dean? Hey, it's time to wake up buddy"

* * *

Dean slowly opened his heavy eyelids, feeling like he was drugged.

He knew he was in a hospital, he talked to the doctor for quite some time in the morning. Enough to get anxiety and antidepressant medications prescribed for him. He wasn't really surprised when his doctor… what was his name? Alex? Aaron? Whatever, came to his room with another doctor - psychiatrist, and told him that he's going to have to talk to him.

To his surprise, doctor Will Warren was kind of cool guy. He was in his 60's, he was kind and understanding, wasn't trying to blame Dean for anything and didn't pity him. Dean found himself relaxed, so he answered all the questions as honestly as managed, without mentioning the supernatural side of the story anyways. For some reason he felt like he should be honest and open up to this elderly man.  
Doctor Warren seemed to understand him, he kindly supported him, offered couple solutions, not forcing anything on Dean. And when Dean felt tired he said he'll come to talk to him later, when he's feeling better.

Dean liked the guy, shrink or not, he was like kind-hearted teddy bear grandpa who wanted to make this world better.

And now Sam was here and he knew Sam was mad at him, but he couldn't make out why he'd be sitting by his side all the time, he wasn't dying. Shouldn't he be in 'i don't care about you anymore' mode?

"Hey, how you feelin'?" Sam asked, trying to make out what Dean was thinking.

Dean looked at him, unsure if it was a sincere worry or Sam just felt obligated to ask.

"Um... fine i guess" he said, not wanting to go into details, his voice still a little bit hoarse.

Sam gave him a bitch face.  
"You aren't fine, Dean. If you haven't noticed, you're in a friggin ICU."

Dean stared at him. So this is how it's going to be?

"Yeah, well, I'm not dead" he stated. The mood he managed to obtain earlier was gone in a flash.

Apparently, it was a wrong thing to say after all.

"Does this seems like a joke to you, Dean?" Sam finally snapped, the anger from earlier taking over him. "Because you almost died, you were _this far_ from dead, they barely saved you. You went into a cardiac arrest, your vitals went to shit, your condition was critical for 12 hours or so, you were one foot in the grave, and that's nothing?"

Dean kept silent.

He was too tired to argue, but he'll have to seeing how pissed off Sam looked.

"Dude, what's your problem? Get your panties outta the twist. After a hunt goes south you start caring and sharing again, huh? Where did that thing with "we're not brother's anymore, it's only a partner relationship from now on" went?" Dean asked angrily. He can play this game too.

Sam stared back at him, furious.

"Oh my god, while waiting for you to wake up…"  
"I didn't ask for it!"

"... i completely forgot what an asshole you are! A complete fucking moron!" Sam shouted when he jumped from the chair, waving his hands dangerously. "You don't care about anyone else except yourself, do you?"

Dean felt a weird tingle in his chest. Heart monitor beeped. So Sam really thought he was selfish.

"You really believe that?" he asked quietly.

"Yes I do!"  
"Then why don't you get the fuck outta here if you can't bear to be around me anymore?!" Dean shouted back, feeling like he was about to cry. He couldn't take that hate from Sam anymore, it just hurt too damn much.

"Oh, i would, but god knows what you're up to next" Sam looked at him like he was about to spit something he'll regret later. "I've seen the scars on your wrists, Dean, you thought i wouldn't figure it out? Huh?"

Dean felt himself going pale. He felt frigging buzzing in his ears, his chest hurt. They both ignored when heart monitor beeped alarmingly.

So, Sam figured it out. But he didn't seemed to be concerned about it very much.

"You thought that you can hide something like this from me? That i wouldn't figure it out?"  
"Why does it matter? You didn't the last time, and if not this stupid vampire thing you wouldn't fucking know, so back off and leave, like you always do" Dean shouted back.

"Oh, that's fucking brilliant. Are you even listening to yourself? Do you really want to die, Dean?" Sam stared down at him with anger in his eyes. His eyes were shining with something else too, Dean noticed. Maybe disappointment?

"Then here, take the gun" Sam pulled out his 45 and held it to Dean. "Go on, Dean. I'll make it easier for you."

Dean stared at disbelief. He didn't expect this to happen. He wanted to die right here and now, because he couldn't live the aftermath of this shouting match between them. So to Sam's surprise he quickly grabbed the gun with his visibly shaking hand and clicked off the safety. Then pointed it to his head and was about to pull the trigger when Sam surged forward and harshly grabbed his arm.

The gun went off, bullet stuck in the wall somewhere.

"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!" Sam screamed, terrified, harshly pulling the gun out of his brother's palm. He didn't expected Dean to grab the gun and _actually_ try to shoot himself.

"WHAT THE FUCK DEAN?!" he screamed again.

But Dean wasn't listening to Sam, he was already shaking like mad, his pulse quick and rapid, breathing ragged. He was laying down, not facing Sam, but he could clearly see tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Go home, Sam, partners don't stay with one another in a hospital." Dean spited at Sam in a low voice. "It's not like you need me anyways".

Sam couldn't get a word out of his mouth. He was just standing there in shock of what happened.

Then doctor with nurses rushed in.

"What's happening here?" he asked.

"My gun went off." Sam explained. "I'm a federal agent" he explained further, not wanting police called on his ass and showed the badge.

They went to his brother. He was really pale and curled up into himself, shaking. Heart monitor's alarms went off, screaming at them that something is wrong.

"Shit, uh… lay him down, lay him down…" doctor said.

They lowered the bed, dropped the pillow and laid Dean flat on his back, one nurse holding him down by the shoulders, another one holdin down arms. Dean started trashing.

"Jeez, hold him down, he'll hurt himself!"

Even not in his full strength Dean was strong, so they pulled out padded restrains and quickly put them on his arms.

"Put on 100% oxygen mask, he's in shock, chest pain, not responding!"

Doctor flashed light into both of his eyes, put something in his IV. Then added something more. Frantic beeping of the monitor calmed down after a minute.

Sam saw Dean relaxing.

"Okay, he's going back to normal. Put him on 1.5mg xanax and increase morphin if needed." doctor stated. "Can we talk for a minute?" he turned to Sam and went out of the room, leaving nurses to clean up the mess.

"As i assume, he got stressed because of something? And then a gunshot scared him, am i right?"

Sam nodded, his ability to speak gone somewhere.

"Alright. He had a really bad chest pain caused by stress. He couldn't breath properly because of it, so, he's going to need a little more oxygen than before, until his breathing goes back to normal. On top of that it looks like he had a panic attack I put him on xanax, it's an antipanic medication, it'll keep him calm. I'll talk to his psychiatrist about the dosage, he'll be here to talk to Dean when he's ready. And I'd like to ask you to not carry any guns in the hospital, at least for your brother's safety. That'd be it."

Sam nodded.

"Thanks doc"

He went back in the room.

So, their argument set Dean off.

But Sam couldn't forget how Dean grabbed his gun without any hesitation and pointed it to his head. He didn't even stop to think twice. Clicked off the safety and if he wouldn't have grabbed it when he did, Dean would be dead by now.

He felt like complete and utter crap.

And what he said… it only pushed Dean further away. How will he be able to reach his brother now?

Dean clearly thought Sam didn't need him. He just shoved his own words back to his face. They're not brothers. Go home. You don't care. Dean told these words because he meant them, and this meant that this was exactly what he was thinking all these months. That the only person in the world he has hates him.

Now there was no way taking it back.

He confronted Dean with his suicide attempt and then he fucking blamed him.

Who does that?

Usually people try to help each other in this situation, but no, not the Winchester Brothers. When Dean tried to kill himself, Sam blamed him and gave him a gun so he could end what he started once and for all.

What kind of bother was he?

What Dean must be thinking of him? ' _Well, he finally is tired enough of me to get rid of me. Oh, look! He's giving me the gun! Finally we see things the same way again!'_

Geez, what has he done?

* * *

thank you for reading.

kudos, comments for my pain while writing it?


	5. you're too late

thank you for coming here to read this... whatever.

try to enjoy xx

* * *

_Sam was chasing someone through the woods._

_His heart was racing, it was so dark around he could barely see where he was running, the only thing he knew was that he needed to run._

_He felt like he was late somewhere._

_Finally, he ran out of the woods and froze in shock and fear of what he saw._

_He was standing on a cliff, dark bottomless abyss just mere meters away._

_Then he saw Dean standing on the rock, staring down, not paying any attention to Sam._

_Sam felt dread wash over him as he shouted for Dean to step away, slowly going closer._

_Dean turned to face him, his face blank, looking so worn out and tired. Devastated._

_Sam gasped._

_"Dean, come back to me" he asked, reaching out._

_His brother smiled. Sad, devastated smile dancing on his lips and looked down._

_"You're too late, Sammy. It's over" he said, not looking at Sam, but his intentions clear as a day._

_"I won't let you do this" Sam stated, stepping closer._

_Dean turned to him._

_"You can't stop me. You're too late. I'm glad you came here to say goodbye though" Dean stepped closer to the edge. One more step and he'll fall down._

_"It's not a goodbye, Dean, it's…"_

_"It is." the older Winchester stated in a firm voice and stepped back into the abyss. "Goodbye, Sammy" Dean whispered and fell down._

_"NO!" Sam surged forward, panic and sheer terror overtaking him, trying to catch Dean, but it was too late._

_Dean was gone._

_It was too late…_

_Too late…_

_TOO LATE!_

.

Sam jumped up from his sleep and looked around, terrified.

Motel room.

It was just a dream.

He put his face into his hands and breathed deeply, his heart racing like he's been running.

Just a dream.

A horrible, awful nightmare.

The echo of Dean's words were still ringing in his ears, screaming at him, informing, that he's too late.

Sam ran his arm through his damp hair.

_Jesus._

If it wasn't bad enough that he witnessed Dean trying to shoot himself, he's dreaming about him trying to kill himself too. And him being too late to save him.

Was this some kind of a message his subconscious mind was trying to tell him? That he's too late to save Dean?

He sure as hell hoped not, it's probably the stress from all the recent events.

He glanced at the clock.

Holy crap.

It's almost 12pm already. He should go to the hospital, talk to Dean, see how he's doing.

Sam got out of bed and went to take a shower.

A long day was waiting ahead.

Dean.

* * *

_"I hate you!" Sam shouted at him, his eyes shining with hatred and anger. "I wish you were dead, why did you come back?!"_

_Dean felt tears running down his cheeks as he stared at Sam. He wished he would just shut up for a minute, but Sam was still spitting venom at him._

_"I thought we were brothers, Dean, but you ruined my life. Why do you always screw up?"_

_"I did what i though-..." Dean tried to defend himself, but was abruptly cut off by Sam._

_"Well, it wasn't good enough! You are not good enough!" Sam come closer, now he was standing in front of Dean, his eyes shining dangerously. "I was happy without you. Why did you had to come back and ruin everything?"_

_Dean looked down._

_Harsh arms gripped his shoulders and shook him like a rag doll._

_"Why are you so pathetic?" Sam shouted. "Just stay the fuck away from me!" he kept shaking him angrily._

_Dean tried to turn away, but he couldn't, the grip was too tight._

"Dean!"

Dean opened his eyes.

Sam wasn't there. He was in a hospital, his doctor looking at him worriedly with a hand on his shoulder.

It was just a dream.

"Are you okay?" doctor asked kindly.

The older Winchester nodded, dream still fresh in his mind.

"You were having a nightmare or so it seemed, so, I had to woke you up. You were in a distress, and we don't want you to be stressed, it's not good for your heart right now. So, Dean, how are you doing today?" he tried to sound casual.

"Um… okay i guess, considering the circumstances."

"Are you in any pain?"

"Well, my chest hurts a bit, but it's okay. I can manage."

"That's probably because of the stress which you've experienced yesterday and cracked ribs aren't helping the situation in slightest. I can increase painkillers medication a little so you'll be more comfortable." doctor said. "Also, doctor Warren said he'd like to talk to you when you're up to it. So, _are you_ up to it?"

"We can talk, sure." Dean agreed. He didn't mind to have a little company.

Then a thought crossed his mind.

"Hey doc? An i ask you something?" he looked at the man hopefully.

"Of course."

"Um, can you keep Sam out of here? I would really appreciate that."

Doctor frowned, then smirked.

"I can do that, but may I ask you why?"

Dean shifted uneasily.

"I just… I'd rather not see him right now, it's… uh...it's.."

"Okay, Dean, I'll do my best." doctor reassured him, noticing Dean's distress. He'd rather deal with his brothers anger than cause more harm to his already stressed patient. "I'll let doctor Warren know you're awake."

Dean nodded.

At least he won't have to deal with Sam.

* * *

 _"What do you mean I can't come in?!_ " Sam asked angrily, his tone calm, but you could clearly hear a dangerous park in it. He was steps away from Dean's door, he could see his brother through the window, talking to some other doctor, but this _dick_ wasn't letting him in. He was _this_ close to starting throwing punches.

"Your brother personally insisted me to not let you in. He didn't say why, but he looked stressed about it, and stress, as you may have forgotten, is bad for his current health. So, Sam, you are prohibited to go into that room. If you're still going to try to go into his room, I will be forced to call the security. Please, choose wisely."

Sam calmed down, but the look in his eyes was sparkling with danger.

"Who is Dean talking to?" he asked suddenly.

"It's doctor Warren, Dean's psychiatrist."

Sam felt like he was slapped in the face.

Dean was talking to a _shrink_?

"And he's willingly talking to him?" he asked, just to be sure.

"Yes, why are you asking?" doctor turned to him, surprised.

Sam just shook his head.

Well, that was new to him. Dean has never talked to anybody. About anything. It was almost impossible to get something out of his brother, he had to fight tooth and nail until Dean opened up about something to him. And now he was choosing and opening up to some kind of a stranger instead of him.

Anger was back once again, threatening to erupt at any second. He wanted to smash everything around him, he wanted to kick Dean's ass. He was worrying his ass out and Dean decided to brush him off. Shut him out. Like always.

Although, God knows what he was thinking after yesterday. He may never want to talk to him again. He already ordered doc to keep him out.

Anger was gone and replaced with guilt and worry. It was his fault anyway.

He was so wrapped up in his thought he didn't see when doctor went out of Dean's room.

"I suppose you are Dean's brother?" and elderly man who was in Dean's room before approached him.

He nodded.

"Hi, I'm doctor Will Warren, your brother's psychiatrist." he introduced himself, reassuring smile playing on his lips. "I guess you'd like to know what's going on with your brother?" he asked, gesturing to Dean's room.

Sam looked through the curtains.

Dean was asleep.

"Yeah" he said.

"C'mon, let's sit over there" doctor walked him to some pale shade of blue coach. "My knees aren't as strong as they used to be, it's a little bit painful to be standing for so long." he chuckled, trying to light up the mood.

Sam sat down and intently looked at the man.

"Well, your brother seems to be a quite troubled man, I'd say. He carries a lot on his shoulders, I know he doesn't share everything with me, but he seems to be under a lot of pressure. We talked yesterday too, I prescribed him medication, you can get it later in the pharmacy." he handed Sam a prescription note.

"Doctor informed me that yesterday something happened between you two, that stressed him out enough that he had trouble breathing and had a severe chest pain. Dean refused to talk to me about this, but seeing his severe reaction, i think it's something serious." he looked at Sam, his eyes piercing straight through him. Sam felt naked in front of this man, it felt like he was some kind of a creature seeing through layers and layers of lies and there was nothing you could hide from him.

"Yeah, we've been having some issues lately…" Sam said, sounding unsure.

"Some?" doctor asked, one eyebrow raised. "As Dean described, you were at each other's throats for months now."

Sam stared at the shrink surprised. The guy didn't sugar coat anything, Sam could give him that, but he was also having a strong urge to pour some salt onto him or something like that, to see if he was really human. He couldn't believe Dean actually said that. To a complete stranger.

"Sam, I'm not blaming you for anything. Your brother just shortly told me some things that happened to you over the years. I just want to help Dean and you to get over whatever has been recently going on between you two. I get it, you are family, every family does that. They argue, they fight, that's just how it is. But when one member of the fight loses his will to live, I'd say it's time to look back to the start of all this and really consider, if it's worth it."

Sam was looking at the psychiatrist a little bit surprised and with some respect. This guy must be really something if Dean poured his heart out to him like that.

_Wait._

It clicked.

When one member loses his will to live? Did Dean actually told him he wants to off himself? That he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel? Was he nuts? Doctor will probably lock him up if he keeps talking like that.

"Sam?" he asked, trying to get his attention back. "I'll very shortly tell you what Dean had told me about this thing between you and him, okay? Then I'd like to hear your side of the story."

The younger Winchester nodded. Apparently, he'll be getting a free therapy session too.

"So, basically, Dean said you were about to die. He didn't say what it was, just that it was bad. And he found a way to save you, but it didn't went out like it was planned. Your friend died in the process, and, according to him, everything went to hell after that. You were really pissed at him for what he has done and Dean left. He thinks he screwed up so bad he should be burning in Hell, his words, not mine. He kept babbling that he let you down and you didn't want to see him anymore, that he was afraid to come back because he thought you hated him enough to chase him away." doctor stopped for a moment, starting to get emotional himself.

"Dean said that at one point you got back together again, but… you kept pushing him away, that you didn't want to be brothers anymore, hated him. He started babbling after that, saying that he's just a burden to you, that you deserve better and that he can't take it anymore. I know no more, we had to sedate him after this, because he kept crying, and today he refused to talk about this."

Sam stared at the doc, dumbfounded, emotions bubbling inside his chest, threatening to burst.

If Dean told this to a shrink, it was just a glimpse of what's really been going on,he was feeling ten times worse. For god's sake, he was crying, crying! So much that sedating him was the only option.

Now Sam felt even worse. After months of fighting he finally got to see how his brother was feeling, and he didn't like what he saw.

Dean was drowning.

And he was the one who tied a stone to his leg.

"Sam?"

"Sounds about right, doc. It's just… i was so hurt for what he'd done i wanted to hurt him back as much. And, as usually, it turned out wrong."

"So, you intentionally wanted to hurt him? But why didn't you talked it out after, this has been going on for months! Couple weeks i could understand, but this is a mental torture!"

Sam flinched at the word torture.

He and Dean they both been to Hell and back and they knew what it was like be tortured, but he never thought he'd be the one to inflict one onto his brother.

He gulped the air down.

"Sam, it would be nice if you wouldn't keel over on me, okay? It would be a shame if you'd end up in the bed next to Dean, speaking which, his doctor said Dean insisted to keep you out, am i right?"

Sam nodded.

"And this is because of the argument you had yesterday, right? Dean told me a little about it. He said you were frustrated at him and the argument escalated. He refused to tell me anything else. Would you like to explain more?"

Sam shook his head.

"I'd prefer if this stayed between me and him"

"That's understandable" doctor Warren nodded. There was no judgment in his voice. "Would you like me to ask him when you can come back?"

"This would be nice, but I doubt it would make any difference. When something like this happens, he just shuts everyone out, sometime he doesn't even talk. He needs his space I guess."

Doctor frowned.

"He stops talking?"

"Yeah. First time it happened was after our mom died, Dad said he refused to speak for several months. It kept happening from time to time, bu-..."

"Wait you said he didn't talk when he was a kid?" doctor asked suddenly, sitting up straight.

"Yeah, he was four. We moved all around the country after that." Sam explained further. God knows why he kept talking, this man gave him a secure feeling, like he needed pour his heart out.

Mr. Warren was looking at him suspiciously, Sam shifted uneasily, it felt like he was being examined through a magnifying glass. Maybe they said too much.

"What is your last name again?" the man asked.

_Well, shit._

If the man is asking that, they're in the deep shit. He knows something, and it ain't good.

"Why are you asking?" Sam inquired, trying to sound casual, but his heart was racing wildly in his chest and all he could think of was the ways to escape with Dean.

"Nothing, your story just reminded me of one man's i met a good thirty years ago. His wife died in a fire leaving him and kids all alone. His name was Jim… Jay...uh…"

"John Winchester?" Sam offered, feeling himself going pale. How in hell did they managed to meet a man who knew their father.

"Yes." the elderly man looked at him. He was staring for a good amount of time and then smiled. "So you _are_ his children… I suspected that, Dean's story was like the one I've heard years ago. It's just still hard to believe…"

Sam could relate.

He was still fighting an urge to test the man with salt, silver and holy water.

"You probably have a load of questions to me, Sam, how, why, when… It was 1985 I believe. I was living three states over from here, I was still young, on top of my carrier, but then strange things started happening in my new apartment. You know, things falling down, someone walking, doors opening. I thought I was going nuts! Then John came in out of nowhere and saved the day. I couldn't believe that things like that are true, I was a huge skeptic back at the day. But, well, people change." doctor smiled.

Sam was listening carefully.

"After that I talked to John for a while, he told me a little of his story, how he started hunting… I suspect you two are following his footsteps, am i right?"

Sam nodded, smiling. It was weird to hear someone talking about their dad.

"Anyway, we met again in 1996, or it was '95… Your brother was landed in a hospital, I was one of the doctors who was assigned to his case. He probably doesn't remember me, he refused talk to anyone. God was he stubborn. But this was the last time I've seen the man. I know it's not much, but… "

"Maybe you remember what was Dean in there for? I know it's been a looooong time, bu-"

"I remember" doctor Warren looked at him, sad out of sudden. "John brought him in, he uh… he overdosed. It was a suicide attempt, but he kept saying it was an accident."

If Sam thought nothing will be able to shock him anymore he was wrong.

"Wasn't I there?" he asked. He couldn't remember it happening.

"No, John said you were with your uncle." doctor looked at Sam. "You didn't know this, did you?"

The younger brother just shook his head.

He had no clue.

He said it was somewhere round '95? Wasn't it the time he ran off for two weeks?

"I'm sorry, Sam, you shouldn't have learned it this way." he apologized.

"Doctor…"  
"William. Call me Will."

"Will, if not you, nobody would have ever told me. So thank you for that. But right now I just can't wrap it around my head, I've no idea what to do." he exhaled, devastated.

"I think you should go talk to Dean. Don't worry, I will take care of 'no Sam' policy. But firstly, I'd like to talk to Dean alone about this if it's okay with you. There's no need to stress him out, so, stick to light conversations, okay?"

Sam nodded, his ability to speak gone.

"Well, let's see if he's awake. Come with me, Sam, you can sit by his side. Don't worry, i never got a chance to repay to your dad, I might as well help his sons." he smiled kindly, standing up. "Let's go.

Despite the utter sadness Sam was feeling, he followed Mr Warren into Dean's room, desperately trying to grasp on a hope.

Now he saw how wrong he was all this time.

He wished to hug Dean tightly in his arms and never let him go.

He also wished that he wouldn't be too late.

* * *

well, that wasn't what you expected, huh? me neither tbh

so, sorry for all the mistakes  
 _and please, leave a review? They keep me going:)_

_thanks for reading xx_


	6. We need to talk part 1

Hey folks, how is your holidays going?  
I think the first part of this chapter is a piece of crap or that's how it felt when i tried to write it. I don't know. You decide.

* * *

Sam was standing outside of Dean's room.

He did went in and stood there for a good ten minutes, frozen in place, staring at sleeping Dean.

He didn't have a heart to wake Dean up and doctor was about to do his rounds, he didn't want to be thrown out. Also, doctor Warren said he'll talk to him first. Maybe he'll be able to change Dean's mind.

So he was watching how the psychiatrist woke his brother up and started talking to him. At first Dean seemed to be confused and sleepy, then he frowned. He was carefully listening to what Will was saying him, surprise appearing on his face for a brief moment. Then he frowned again and started shaking his head, clearly saying no.

Sam sighted.

And what was he expecting? Dean clearly didn't want to see him, he didn't knew what Will told him, his last memory of Sam was how he handed him a gun after, let's just say, an unpleasant rant.

"Sam, what are you still doing here?" Dean's doctor approached him, looking unsatisfied. "I hope you're not bothering him, otherwise-"

"No, no, I was just talking to doctor Warren for quite some time. He thinks he and I should talk."

"Well, no offense, Sam, but until Dean will be comfortable with you, I still can't allow you to see him."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." he murmured. "When will he be released?"

"Well, firstly, I need to see how he's doing and if he's well enough, we'll move him to a regular room. We are still monitoring his heart closely, his vitals seems to stay stable, although, we are still giving him the oxygen and vitamins. After consultation with doctor Warren we decided to keep him on xanax for a little bit longer, just to avoid any possible stress his heart won't be thankful for. What worries me is that he started running a low grade fever this morning, but I can't see what might cause it, maybe the medication we're giving him or the stress."

"And why he's still with restrains?" Sam investigated further.

"He kept yanking his IV's out saying he wants to sign out AMA, which is out of the question considering his currently fragile condition. Better safe than sorry, as they say. So, I'd rather leave them on for at least couple more hours until he calms down enough. Also, he's been having some severe nightmares so we are helping him sleep a little."

The younger Winchester just nodded.

Yeah, that sounded like Dean. He probably wanted to get out before Sam came back. It was stupid to think he wouldn't try after Sam confronted him about the scars and told him all that crap. Damn that big mouth of his.

In the mean time, doctor Warren came out.

Sam looked at him hopefully, but doctor just shook his head.

"How is the patient doing, Will?"

"He's a little bit better, if that's what you mean, but I'd rather leave the restrains, he seems calm, but he might try to get out and injure himself further. Just to be safe."

Doctors nodded at each other.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta do my rounds" doctor excused himself and went into Dean's room.

"So, he still doesn't want to see me?"

"No. I'm sorry, Sam, nothing I said seemed to change his mind. At one point I thought he was going to say yes, but… maybe tomorrow. I guess he needs some time."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Not in particularly. I told him I knew your father and told him where I met him. I think he remembers me, because he asked me if i told you anything. I denied it, but he reads people like books, suspected that I was lying. Stubbornly refused to say anything after that, just insisted to keep you away."

Sam exhaled, disappointed.

"Well, I guess I'll try my luck tomorrow."

"Yes, and he'll be in a regular room, it's easier to sneak into, heh?" Will winked at him and turned to leave. "I'm not blind, Sam, I can see how much you want to see him and knowing your father I know nothing will stop you. Just don't stress him, that's it."

Sam couldn't help but smile at that.

What could he say, he liked the guy.

* * *

Sam went back to the motel room, called Jody, went to the shower. He was planning to sneak in tonight. He couldn't wait for tomorrow.

He ordered pizza and when he pulled out his wallet something fell from his pocket.

Ah, a prescription Will gave him.

Sam read the note. Doctor prescribed him citalopram and xanax. Well, that's just great. He sure can get them, but he doubted Dean would take them. Altho, worth a try.

Sam nervously ate his pizza wondering, what can he say to Dean that would make it alright.

He was still mad, sure, but he couldn't just ignore what he learned. He just hoped Dean won't do anything stupid and they will sort things out.

* * *

Dean couldn't believe this.

That guy, doctor Warren knew their father, knew him. He knew there was something familiar about him, he just couldn't put his finger on it. Until now.

He was one of the shrinks assigned to his case when he overdosed in Arizona when Sam took off for a couple of weeks.

He thought Sam was dead. Dad was so mad Dean thought he'd kill him. He felt like he failure and he was just done doing that back then. He thought, at least he'll get rid of one burden Dad has to bear, it would have made everything better for all of them. But Dad, of course, saved him. And oh boy, he was pissed. But he was scared shitless too, he got rid of every weapon Dean possessed, every medication too. When they found Sam they stayed with Bobby for a couple of weeks, then he rented a house. John haven't left hunting for weeks, was watching him like a hawk for months after that.

It was a surprise actually doctor remembered him with such a clarity. But, it makes it all easier too, he knows about monsters, so, if anything slips past though his lips he won't end up in a looney bin.

Altho, the real question was, what did Sam knew? He already confronted him about scars on his wrists, it wouldn't be a surprise if he would dig up something more. Will asked if he wants to see him saying Sam wants to talk, but he refused.

For at least now, he has his peace.

Sam won't bother him.

He didn't want to see him anyways, he heard it all loud and clear the last time. Actions speak louder than words.

And he was just so tired of this crap, why couldn't he just leave him alone like he did for the past coupla months? He tried to signed out AMA, but they just restrained him, apparently, his condition is still fragile. Probably they doubted his mental stability too since his little incident and considering he came in with slashed wrist…

Of course, he could try to sneak out and go home, the only problem was restrains and Sam, who was circling his room. He wished doctor kept his promise and kept Sam out, but it was becoming clear Sam intended to sneak in. And since he's in a regular room now, it's the easiest thing to do.

Dean pulled at his restrains again, but it was useless, like trying to drown a fish. His wrists hurt from trying to get away.

Well, if Sam decides to show up, he can still ignore him.

With this thought, Dean fell asleep.

* * *

Sam did sneak in, it was easier than he thought it would be.

Dean was sleeping.

He looked better, altho, nasal cannula was still under his nose.

Sam quietly sat in the chair next to him and looked Dean over. His wrists caught his attention - they were red and looked really painful under the restraints. Dean was serious about getting away.

Sam inhaled deeply and shook Dean's arm, trying to wake him up.

Dean murmured in his sleep. Whatever they were giving him clearly helped him sleep.

Sam nagged at Dean's arm again.  
"Deaaaan, wake up".

Dean stirred a bit, not wanting to wake up.

"Dean!"

* * *

Someone was interrupting his sleep and he _was not_ happy about it.

"Dean, wake up" the voice said.

Somewhere in his foggy mind Dean recognized this voice as Sam's.

_Oh hell no._

This was the only thing he didn't want. He'll just pretend to be asleep, that's it.

"Dean, I know you're not sleeping, c'mon, open your eyes."

_Goddamnit._

Dean did, trying to look as much annoyed as he could.

"Here you go, wasn't that hard, was it?"

"What are you doing here? You aren't allow-"

"Oh for God's sake, Dean, you really thought some kind of "no Sam" policy will actually keep me out?"

Dean bit his lip and narrowed his eyes.

"I honestly couldn't care less about it. Besides, we need to talk. I cant leave it like this. And like it or not, we are going to talk about what happened, maybe something more… you may not like it, but this is how it's going to be."

Dean angrily stared at Sam.

"If you can talk with Will, you sure as hell can talk with me."

"Who says I want to talk to you" Dean asked.

"I'm sure you don't, but there are things that must be discussed. Once we talked I'll be outta here and let you rest."

"Why don't you get out now and save the trouble, huh?"

"Because once I do that, you will never talk. And you will ask them to secure your room or something or just sneak out somehow. Your wrists are bruised from trying to get out of the restrains. So, I'm not taking any chances. By the way, I'm already there."

"I ain't talking to you" Dean said, turning away. "You didn't want to talk for months, don't start now."

He didn't want this. He didn't want Sam interrogating him. He just wanted to be left alone.

Sam exhaled.

"Dean I… I'm sorry for what happened. I've been way too harsh on you. I… I didn't mean it, any of it. I mean I-"

"What, you didn't meant to come in, start shouting for God knows what and then give your broth- give me a gun and be like 'why don't you go ahead and shoot yourself?' That was a low blow, Sam, and if you didn't mean it then why'd you do it, huh?" Dean shook his head in disappointment, a glint of tears shining in his eyes. "Just… get out, alright?"

Sam noticed the tears, Dean's words cutting into him like knives.

"You still tried _to shoot yourself_ , Dean, I ain't letting this go."

"So? You let a lot of things slip, I'm sure this incident is suppose to be one of them. Why you keep trying to talk to me, just leave me alone like you've been doing for the past couple of months, alright?" Dan turned away, hoping his harsh tone will chase Sam away.

Wrong.

Sam gripped his hand tightly, leaned closer and whispered in a dangerous voice.

"I'm not leaving, Dean, not until we talk. I'm not letting you leave either since I'm not sure what might happen. You know, I had a nice little chat with mister Warren, who, apparently, knew our father. I've learned some things, Dean." Sam whispered, his fingers brushing over Dean's scars, letting him know exactly what he means.

Dean shivered

"Right now I have no clue what you might be up to and I'm sure as hell don't want to find you dead somewhere. So, before it all goes out of hand we are going to have heart to heart and sort some things out." he leaned back, watching Dean, who looked terrified and on a verge of panicking; his heart monitor giving it all out.

"Calm down" Sam asked. "Just… calm down, it's not good for you right now"

Dean ignored him.

"Why are you even doing this, huh?" he asked, looking likes he's about to cry. "Do you really enjoy watching me suffer that much? Then you shoulda just left me in hell."

"No, Dean, no!" he tried to make the situation better when he saw Dean was about to burst into tears. "No, I'm just saying we talk things out, take it off your chest."

Dean was looking at him with a hurt puppy look, his chin quivering.

"What did Will told you?" he asked suddenly, peering into him.

Sam looked at his brother uneasily.

"Nothing, he jus-"

"You was the one who wanted caring and sharing, so at least don't lie"

Sam bit his lip.

This conversation was going not the way he expected.

"Well, he uh... He told me that he was assigned to your case at one point and…"

"Did he told you why?"

"Well, yeah, he said that… dad brought you in, because… you overdosed."

* * *

Yep. I did it. I cut the chapter in two e most inconvenient place , coz it's hella long. Not really sorry guys, it's 6am and i'm tired and want to go to sleep.

You better review my sleepless nights.

And tell me what do you expect to happen next, maybe I'll catch more ideas for this pain (i mean story)

Thanks for reading xx


	7. Let me sleep, Sam

The horror on Dean's face was evident.

"He what?" Dean asked in a dead voice. He couldn't believe Will did this. Especially when he knew they weren't at their best terms right now. What, did he thought it would help them to get over it?

"He probably mixed me with someone else" Dean tried to brush it off.

"I really doubt he did. He knew our dad, Dean. He also mentioned that I wasn't with you. It happened when i ran off, didn't it?"

Older brother lowered his eyes, it was all the answer Sam needed. Dean was biting his lip nervously, he clearly didn't want Sam to know, let alone talk about it.

"Dean, why?" Sam asked gently, putting his arm on Dean's and slowly stroking it, trying to comfort him somehow.. Seeing Dean so vulnerable broke something deep inside of him. He reached out and released his arm from restrain. Dean did the same to his other arm. Dark bruises were standing out on his pale skin for everyone to see. He wiped away his tears, not saying anything.

"Just don't yank your IV out or anything like that." Sam warned. He looked over his brother and put his arm on his again, needing to show Dean that he was there. "Please, tell me. Why would you do that? And why nobody told me anything? C'mon, I know I've been ignorant for way too long, but.. I'm here now. Please?"

Dean exhaled. It was obvious Sam will not back away and won't let this go. It didn't make it any easier tho. This was something he intended to hide until the day he died.

"Dea-"

"I thought you weren't coming back." Dean said out of blue. "You were gone for days and we couldn't find you. I thought that you were dead, that someone took you on my watch. That this time i utterly failed, no coming back. But then I wondered… you were never happy with us, so maybe you got done with my shit and finally decided to get out, run away, find another family or something. And apparently I was right." Dean snorted. "Dad… let's just say he wasn't happy about the situation either, I was actually surprised when he didn't kill me for it. As you know, I took the matter in my own hands then. It seemed better that way."

"Killing yourself seemed better?" Sam asked unbelievingly.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't like there was anyone to stop me." Dean said, glancing at Sam briefly. "And, I guess, I just couldn't take the shit anymore. I was kinda surprised to wake up in a hospital with dad and later Bobby by my side. I haven't seen him so angry, like, ever." Dean shook his head. "But he was scared shitless too. Couple days later, when they found, you he took us to Bobby's."

"I don't remember Bobby being there." Sam frowned.

"Because he went first to remove every possible thing I could have laid my hands on from his house. I don't know if you remember anything else, but…"

"I do. Actually, I was expecting for you to be all over me, but you were staring through the window all the time while we were driving, so silent. I thought you were just sad I ran off like that, because dad was the same way. Something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on what…"

"Well, you were just a kid, it's not like anyone would have told you anyway. They didn't let anything slip, but were watching me all the damn time, for weeks. Kept feeding me some weird ass shit pills too. And it kept going even after we got out of Bobby's. Of course, eventually dad got fed up of it and started going on hunts all over again."

"You were on medication?" Sam asked, surprised. He honestly couldn't remember a damn thing.

"Yeah, on and off for quite some time. It kinda helped. Of course, dad rarely bought it regularly, knowing how he is. Eventually he decided I don't need it anymore." Dean got silent and bit his lip. There was clearly something he didn't wanna talk about. Sam wasn't sure if he should push it either.

But that made sense. He could recall Dean being sullen or despondent at some times, but there were days when he just wasn't himself, his mood swinging from one to another in a matter of seconds. So that was the result of cutting off medication out of blue. Now it made sense.

There were still few things that bothered him to the core.

"What did you… when I ran off when I was 16-ish… di- did you?" the younger brother asked with awe.

"No." Dean answered. "Dad made sure of that." he shifted in his bed uncomfortably. "He called Caleb and asked him to come, explaining the situation. Until then, he took me with him. When Caleb got there, well, I don't know what dad told him, but he was watching me like a hawk too. I mean, I didn't want to sit around while dad was searching for you, I wanted to help, so I tried to sneak out. It didn't end up pretty as you may imagine. By a complete accident Caleb discovered my… let's just say, coping skills. Once again, it wasn't pretty." Dean closed his eyes and leaned back into the pillow, clearly tired.

Sam couldn't help but stare. Whatever he expected from this conversation, it wasn't this. It just meant all of this shit went way deeper than he suspected in a first place. He squeezed his brother's arm tighter.

"Dean…"

"Please, I don't wanna talk about this anymore. I know you're curious and surprised or even disappointed or whatever, but just… leave this alone for now, please?" first time he looked directly into Sam's eyes, not breaking the gaze.

To Sam, he looked more than worn out. This conversation Sam forced on him wasn't easy for his brother, that's for sure. He should probably let him rest, it was a middle of the night anyways…

"Okay, Dean." Sam agreed, not wanting to be a dick after what he heard. "But this conversation is far from over."

Dean sighed and closed his eyes.

"For now it is."

Sam bit his lip.

"There is still something I want to tell you."

The older hunter opened his lids half ways, frowning.

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry" Sam exhaled, trying to catch Dean's eyes. "For what happened last night. I didn't meant to… I... I didn't want you to shoot yourself, I- I was just being a dick to you. I know I went way too far there and I'm really sorry for that, I'm sorry for hurting you. You were already hurt and I just made it worse. I'm…"  
"It's okay" Dean was quick to reassure.

"No, it's not!" Sam almost shouted. "You could have died! You almost shot yourself and then had a panic attack, and your heart could barely deal with all that, not after they had to restart it couple hours ago, not to mention all the blood loss and stress you've been under! It's not frigging okay, Dean, none of it is! What I said wasn't okay either. I'm really, really sorry-"

"Sam, I said it's okay already. Can you please, just let me sleep?" Dean asked, smirking. "I'm really tired."  
And he wasn't lying. At this point, he could barely keep his eyes open. The tiredness and medication they were giving him were pulling him under quickly.

"Okay, okay" Sam finally agreed, seeing that Dean wasn't messing around. "One more thing tho."

"Wh-ttt" Dean grunted.

"Can you call off "no Sam policy" from now on?"

"No, if you'll be so annoying."

"Dean, I'm being serious here."

"'Kay, 'kay" he finally agreed. "B't you gotta get me outta here" he added.

"You wanna go home?" Sam asked.

"Mhm"

"No way, man, not until your breathing goes back to normal. If you haven't noticed, you still need help with breathing and you need to strengthen your immune system. Which is another thing we are going to have to talk about tomorrow."

"Y'u wish."

"Go to sleep, Dean."

"'M trying, b't you wouldn't sh't up"

"Okay, okay, I'm outta here. Goodnight, Dean."

Sam didn't receive an answer.

Dean was already out cold.

Considering how it went, things were working out between them. Baby steps only, but at least Dean was talking. Not willingly yet, but he was working on it.

Sam sneaked out from the hospital with a lighter heart.

Tomorrow they will talk again. He knows much more about his brother now and maybe this way he will be able to help Dean carry the load, before it crushed him down to the ground, like it almost it.

The conversation still echoing in his head, things he never knew nor suspected clear as a day before his eyes. He kind of suspected what Dean's 'coping skills' might be. His brother concealed it, but he knew. He will get Dean to talk about it too.

He just hoped his anger won't get away in the way like it did the last time and will not make everything worse.

But hey, what _ever_ goes down as planned for the Winchester?

* * *

there it is, the new chapter y'all waited for SO LONG.

Sorry for that, I've been super busy. You know, school, applying to universities, stress in general and so on.

Anyway, I hope you liked it! 

Please, tell me what do you think about it, what do you think might happened next, or maybe you have some crazy thought and would like to see it in the story? Let me know.

**Don't forget to review:)**


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you all for reviews, so, here's a new short chapter!

Today is my birthday, I'm 19! Oh my, kinda scared already! I hope you enjoy this shortie! Leave reviews:)

* * *

"So, can I go home?"

"Not today, Dean, tomorrow, if, and only if, your breathing improves enough. We are still giving you oxygen, don't forget that."

"Well, I don't need it, I feel fine." Dean tried to pull his nasal cannula off to prove the point.

"You do that, you'll be staying here another week" doctor threatened.

Dean froze and put his arm away.  
Doc knew where to push.

"But I feel fine" he tried to argue.

"Well, your vitals says 'not well enough'. You improved, sure, but it's better safe than sorry, boy. I'd rather not see you back in the ER couple days later. Besides, tomorrow is the last day of your antibiotics curse. We can have this discussion _after_ that."

Dean just nodded.

"See, wasn't that hard?" doc smiled. "You still haven't told me how you managed to get out of restrains, young man."

Dean shifted uncomfortably.

"You must have taken it off while I was sleeping or something" he suggested.

"Maybe, I'll ask the nurse." doc shrugged it off. "Just don't do anything that will make me to put them back on." he smiled. Gosh, Dean wished he could just punch him in the face.

"Also, I talked to doctor Warren. He agrees that it would be the best if you'd go to the therapy once you're home. I will hand you out your case so you can give it to your doctor. Doctor Warren will explain everything further."

Once again, Dean nodded. He was kind of disappointed, he just wanted to get out of this place and go home.

Angry doctors voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Dean looked up and saw Sam standing in the doorway, looking at him pleadingly.

"Sam, what are you doing here? I believe I told you to-"

"It's okay, doc" Dean interfered.

Doctor turned around confused.

"I thought you said t-"

"I know what I said, but that was yesterday. He can come in."

Sam moved passed him, victory in his eyes.

"Fine, but if I see your heart rate rise even by the slightest, or you in any kind of distress, your brother won't be allowed here until the minute you are released, is that clear?"

Dean nodded.

"This is stress free zone from now on. Keep the conversation light. Whatever else you have to discuss can wait couple of days, I'm sure of that. Have a nice day."

Brothers watched how doctor stormed out of the room.

"Well, that was unexpected." Sam murmured.

Dean said nothing and laid down more comfortably.

"How are you feeling?" Sam asked, eyeing him worriedly.

"Tired of this place. But that dick won't let me leave. Can't you sign me out AMA, huh?" he asked hopefully.

"First tell me what did the doc say."

Dean sighted.

"That I gotta complete the antibiotics curse and he'd like to blah blah blah. C'mon, Sam, I'm not a kid. I've had much worse and didn't go anywhere near the hospital. This is ridiculous!"

"Well, no can do Dean. I guess you're staying. Just to be safe."

"Are you fuking kidding me? Get me out!" Dean protested wildly.

Sam shook his head.

"Dean, for once, just stay until you're well enough to leave-"  
"I _am_ well enough!"

"Just stay like a normal person wou-"

"We're not like normal people, Sam!" Dean argued back.

"Will you please, s _top_ cutting me off?" Sam hissed.

The older Winchester settled down, still angry. This conversation was getting not the way wanted to.

"One more day won't hurt you." Sam tried to reassure his brother, but Dean just kept staring at him furiously.

"Besides, it's an opportunity for us to continue our last night conv-"  
"Doc said no stress, remember? So lay. Off." Dean cut him off, sinister smile on his face.

"Fine, but-"

"No. I'm done talking to you." the older hunter stated and turned away from Sam. He was done with everyone, couldn't they just leave him alone?

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Sam asked. He was hoping they could continue their last night chick-flick, but Dean was beyond grumpy.

"I ain't talking to you until I'm outta here."

"Well, when you're out of here, I doubt that you'll be talking to me about anything at all."  
"And you seem surprised?" Dean turned to face Sam, his face unreadable. "You know, I've done some thinking. I thought, after all those months of silence and hatred, you, out of frigging blue, decided you want to have a heart to heart with me, know all my secrets, yadda yadda. Who gave you a right to snoop all around in my head, huh?"  
"Dean…"

"You can't disown me one day and pretend like nothing happened the other! Not even you. I don't know why you started to show this little interest in my well being again, maybe because a hunt went south? Or it's because that you uncovered few of my dirty little secrets? You know damn well that changes nothing!"  
"You're right, Dean, that changes nothing." Sam's eyes peered into his brother, glistering dangerously. "I don't know why I even bothered then. Know-it-all Dean Winchester knows what's best for himself, right?" he stood up.

"I wanted to help you, Dean, I really did, but I can't deal with this. Last night you talked, I thought you dropped this stupid macho show, but I was wrong, apparently. Sorry that I bothered. If you want, we can go back like we were before, alright? Just remember, you brought this on yourself."

Sam started walking out of the room, furious.

"Sa-"

"No. Don't say anything. You want me outta your head? Fine. Have it your way. Just don't come crying to me for help when it all becomes unbearable." and he walked out, not looking at Dean.

Dean was left dumbfounded.

He didn't expect Sam to behave like this, damn it.

He was glad Sam was talking with him again, although, he tried not to show it. And now they're back to the square one.

And it was his own damn fault.

He had a nightmare again, and it wasn't pretty. In the dream Sam, well, evil Sam kept telling him how worthless he was, how he as just wasting his time, that he didn't deserve Sam caring for him. And that is just a small glimpse of what he said. It was much much worse. He had a panic attack when he woke up from it.

And he just couldn't keep his mouth shut now, could he?

Dean curled up on his side, wincing when pain shot up in his ribs. He just needed some comfort right now.

"Hey, honey, are you okay?" a nurse approached him.

Dean eyed her and smiled sadly.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired and can't sleep…" he said, looking at her hopefully.

"Okay, okay honey, I'll give you something to help you sleep… You really look awful…" she frowned slightly. "Do you need me to call doctor?"

"Nooo" Dean was sure to reassure her. "I'm just exhausted."

"Ok, sweetie" she pushed something into his IV. "Call me if you need something else."

Dean just nodded. Whatever she gave him was taking an effect already, everything was becoming blurry.

He didn't fight against it, he was just so tired, he wanted to forget everything, just don't feel the pain anymore.

And he did.

* * *

thanks for reading xx

leave a review :)


	9. I screwed up

thank you for waiting for this chapter xd I hope it won't disappoint you, if it will, my apologies.

Also, thank y'all for your wonderful reviews, they make my day:)

* * *

Dean felt something nudging at his side.

He open his eyes groggily, looking around, just to meet someones gray beard poking at his face.

"Hey, Dean, time to wake up" doctor Warren said, smiling gently.

"Ugh" grunted Dean, clearly unhappy.

"I'm sorry, Dean. It's been quite a while, we need to talk. You can sleep afterwards if you want.

Dean sat up more comfortably in his bed, wincing slightly when his ribs throbbed in protest.

"You seem upset, Dean, did something happened?" the elder man asked, clearly worried.

"I don't want to talk about it" Dean mumbled.

"Does it has to do something with Sam? I haven't seen his around today. Did he said something that upset you that night?"

Dean glanced at the doctor suspiciously. He suspected it was the doc who let Sam in. Ah, fucker.+

The older Winchester kept quiet, and that was enough of an answer to the psychiatrist.

"I see" he murmured. "Listen, Dean, i can clearly see you are stressed, and I'm severely concerned. You must deal with this, talk to me, because it's affecting your health, and as your doctor I can't allow that." he said. When Dean stubbornly kept quiet, he decided to try another tactic. "Look, I've heard you want to sign out AMA. But I will not allow it, knowing what mental state you are in now. Actually, i will take you to the psychic ward and put you under my watch."

Dean looked horrified.

"I'm not insane, you can't"

"I never said you were. But you still need to get better. In fact, I prescribed you some medication and gave it to Sam, he will take them from the pharmacy, you know that. I want you to take them, so you can get better, Dean. I'm not doing this to embarrass you, there is no shame in it. Needing help doesn't mean you're weak, kiddo. You help people all the time, but this time, let _me_ help _you."_

Dean looked down to his lap.

"You know," he started. "All these years i thought I was doing more good than bad. That I was making a difference. I even dared to think that I was being a good brother." Dean snuffled. "Apparently, I was wrong. All this time I thought that I was trying, I don't know, be closer to him? But apparently, i was only drawing him away." suddenly he looked up at the doctor. "You know, he chose a demon over me. He always chooses someone or something over me, then comes back, saying he's sorry, and then he does that again. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't come back, maybe it would hurt less, knowing I was never good enough for him to stay."

"Dean, that..."

"No, Will, nothing you will say won't make it better. He always wanted to be out and I always tried to keep him in. It came to the point he doesn't even want to look at me, let alone talk about all this. In fact, he doesn't want to be brothers no more. That just shows me of how much I screwed up."

"But the day before yesterday he looked more than worried about you, he wanted to speak with you..."

"And he did. It all seemed good, but... today," Dean frowned, not being sure when that happened, how long he was actually asleep. "When I said I don't wanna talk about it, when I asked why he changed his mind all of sudden, after all those months of silence, he looked even angry. In the end, like I suspected, he left, saying it's over. So, doc, it's over. I'd rather not talk about it anymore."

Will looked sad. He honestly thought they can make it through.

"Boy, things may not seem good right now, but it will get better. One way or another, they will. Maybe you both still need some more time."

"In our line of work time is a thing we don't have. Actually, I doubt it will ever be okay. I think one day I'll wake up to a note saying he left to live his life, saying to never contact him ever again. And it hurts a little bit more knowing that I raised him to hate me. I never knew he felt that way."

"Dean-"

"Will, please. Stop. Talking won't help, he'll just shove it all back in my face all over again. I- I can't."

William nodded.

"Okay, I see. Do you still want to go home?" he asked out of blue.

Dean nodded, looking unsure.

"I kinda do, I hate hospitals. But I don't want to bother Sam either."

"I see, I see. Maybe you can stay somewhere away for a while, if it causes you so much discomfort."

"I don't know." Dean looked really uncomfortable.

"Okay, look, Dean. As a friend of your Daddy and you, i will let you go, but as your therapist, I insist you take the medication and talk things out to someone. To another therapist, to a friend, even to me. I will give you my number so you can call me if you need anything."

Dean nodded.

"Also, I'll give you your case. Of course, there won't be anything about demons or ghosts" doctor smirked. "but there will be everything that's important."

"So I can go?" Dean looked hopeful.

"Yes, I'll just hand in the forms and you should call Sam to-"

"No. I'll call a taxi or Jodi, don't want to bother him." Dean looked even more troubled when he added: "I'm not sure he's even in town, I think he might have went home"

Doctor frowned at that, but didn't comment.

"I disagree, but have it your way." Will nodded. "But. I prescribe you rest and rest and even more rest. You need to rest mentally. Also, don't forget that you aren't back in your shape either, you seem to be doing much better, but your ribs are still sore, you are recovering after a heavy blood loss, and let's not forget they had to restart your heart. And I've noticed you seem to have a harder time breathing or even a chest pain when you're stressed, and this is one more reason why you should stay out of stressful situations and _rest_."

Dean was about to protest, but decided against it. He wanted to leave, after all.

"What's going on in there?" a voice echoed from the doorstep. Dean's doctor came in.

"I'm signing out." Dean announced, smiling slightly.

Let's just say, doctor's face looked like he stepped into a pile of crap.

"Young man, you are no-"

He was abruptly cut off.

"Doc, with all due respect, I'm more than okay, I'm great, actually. To be honest, I'm not sure why I stayed here for so long. I want to go home and _I'm going_. And that's final." Dean stated, staring t the doctor.

After what seemed like a lifetime, doc nodded.

"Very well. Although, I have some fair warnin-"

"I've already heard them, so please, don't bother."

"But I'll prescribe you some painkillers for your ribs and chest, maybe even muscle reliever... also some antibiotics, in case your fever get worse. Anyways. Be right back with the release papers, your belonging are in the catchall. I'll send a nurse to take you off everything you are connected to."

Dean just nodded.

It all turned out much better than he thought it would.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Dean?" doctor Warren asked, smiling gently.

"No. Yes. Maybe you can call a taxi?" Dean asked doubtfully.

"Of course. Also, don't push yourself too hard. You'll be okay, just don't forget to call me if you need anything. I mean, anything. I own your father and I feel that I wasn't much help here at all."

"You were great, doc, it was nice to meet you. We hardly meet someone who knows something about our world, let alone something about our dad. So, thank you."

"Oh, don't mention it." he smiled. "I'll let you to get dressed."

* * *

It was weird, driving away from the hospital.

So much happened in the past few days. And yet, he was still where he started. He just hoped things won't turn out for the worse with Sam. His brother learned some pretty crappy things about him. He looked awfully sad about it, but didn't seem to care about it too much. If he would, he wouldn't have agreed to go back the way things were before.

Dean couldn't help but wonder, when did this all started, when his brother started hating him.

Maybe before he left to Stanford? He could still recall words said in the Asylum. Sure, Sam was under the Ellicott's influence, but those feelings were already there. Even then.

So maybe he screwed up in being a brother from the get go?

That seemed believable.

Dean shook his head. No stress, said doc.

"We're here" the taxi driver said.

"Thanks" Dean murmured and handed him the money.

They were still staying in a motel, although Jody was living in the same town. He was still nervous to meet Sam.

He went to the door and unlocked them.

Nothing.

Sam wasn't there.

"Sam?" he asked, frowning.

He's probably in town. He couldn't have left him, could he?

Dean sighed, grabbed some clothes from the duffel bag and went straight into shower, being too tired to think of anything else.

* * *

Sam was angry beyond belief when he stormed out of the hospital.

Angry at Dean, angry at himself, angry at the whole damn world.

Fuck everything.

He didn't come back all day and night to see Dean. He didn't want to snap for something else at him, and, judging by the way things turned out between them yesterday, he didn't want to spill more fuel into the fire.

So when he saw Dean's room empty, he felt his heart sink down not to his stomach, but to the ground and underneath it.

What happened while he wasn't around?

He couldn't be taken into ICU, he wasn't deadly ill.

_Where is Dean?_

He ran to the closest nurse he saw and asked her.

"That young handsome man?" she asked, smiling. She clearly had a crush on him. "He signed himself out not so long ago. Quite a shame, if you ask me. He was really nice and still needed some medical attention, but there wasn't much we could do."

"What are you talking about by needing medical attention?"

"Well, he claimed to be feeling well, but when we took him off the equipment, he wasn't doing so well. He was still clearly dizzy and in pain, I think he had some trouble breathing, but he claimed he was fine. Poor thing."

"Uh, thank you" Sam said, before worryingly running down to see his doctor, when he bumped into Will Warren.

"Boy, you're running in there like crazy, calm down."

"Sorry." he apologized.

"No worries, son. I believe, you're searching for your brother? He signe-"

"Yeah, I know."

"Then what are you-"

"I still have to take his meds from the pharmacy. Also, I didn't know he's already gone. Was he well enough to leave?" he asked worriedly. Of course, they had much worse and didn't stay in in a hospital before, but this time it was somehow different."

Doctor smiled.

"Not really, Sam, but he insisted on leaving, there was nothing much I could have done to stop him, he was determined. I warned him too, his doctor prescribed him medication, he should be fine, as long as he rests and takes it easy."

Sam nodded, not knowing what else to say.

"Look, Sam, I know things weren't great between you two right now, but take it easy on him, please? For a while at least. Stress isn't good for him in his condition, in fact, he might end up in a hospital again. So, stress free zone, ya hear me?"

Sam nodded again, Will sounded serious.

"Anyway, I feel a little guilty that I didn't help like I intended to, so..." he reached into his pocket and pulled out a dictaphone. "I might have went against the rules by doing this, but-" he handed it to Sam. "I think you need it. Listen to it when you're ready, son."

"Um, thanks, Will." Sam shifted uncomfortable. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"No, not really. Just don't hesitate to call me if you need anything, I gave Dean my number."

"Sure thing"

Will stepped away.

"Well, in this case, goodbye, Sam. It's been nice to finally meet you, your dad would be proud of you."

"Uh, thanks, Will. Have a nice day." he smiled and turned to walk away.

"You too, boy, you too" said Will, knowing, that this might be the first and the last time he's seen the boy.

* * *

He felt much butter after a long shower than before, but the crappiness was still present. He needed to wrap his ribs and re-bang his arm, but he was just too tired. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to physically. He couldn't raise his arms without his eyes tearing up from pain.

Damn ribs.

They made the easiest task painful.

So, after he got himself together, which seemed like a lifetime, he headed out of the bathroom, only with his jeans on. He grabbed a dirty shirts instead of the clean ones. It was just a proof of how still not back in the game he was.

"There you are" a voice met him.

Dean jumped at the voice, his heart beating wildly - almost painfully - in his chest. He didn't expect Sam to be back already.

"Jesus, don't do that" he wheezed out, trying to calm himself down.

Sam smiled slightly, eyeing him. His smirk was long gone when his eyes cough Dean's chest; his ribs were some dark shade of purple, but his chest was black and blue from were they held defibrillators to. The younger Winchester felt dread wash over him while seeing this, those bruises just made the past events too real.

"You need to wrap these up" he said, pointing at the ribs.

"I know." Dean murmured, heading out to his back and fishing out a black tshirt.

It was clear that Dean was _not_ going to wrap them.

"Wait," Sam murmured and headed out for their first aid kit.

"I can do it myse-" Dean tried to protest, but no avail.

"No, you can't. Stop being stubborn and deal with it" Sam shot at him, maybe a little to forcefully, because Dean looked away instantly. "C'mon, sit down." he tried more gently this time, pointing at the bed and started wrapping his ribs up, trying not to hear Dean's whimpers and not to see how he got couple shades paler.

"I went looking for you to the hospital. Why didn't you call me to pick you up?" he asked finally, when he was done wrapping them up. Then he went for his hand. His wrists were bruised. Thank God the wound wasn't infected, but it's gonna leave a nice scar. _One more line on his wrist._

"Didn't want to bother you" Dean murmured with an extremely quiet voice, still not looking at Sam.

Sam swore, if he'd be a character in some lame-ass comedy, his mouth would be hanging open right now. He was unbelievable. Probably thought Sam left him and wasn't going to come back at all.

"Besides, I'm sure you had something important to do." he added. _More important than me,_ was left unsaid, but they both heard it.

"Dean, I would hav-"

"I'm gonna lie down for a bit." the older Winchester interrupted, still not facing his brother. He stood up and went to his bed, lying down without a word. He felt a little lightheaded and worn out.

"Are you hungry? I could bring something or we could later go out to eat." he suggested. He knew Dean needed to eat, get his strength back.

"I'm not hungry, you can go" came a muffled voice from another bed.

"Well, do you want something?" he tried again _. Please, say yes._

"I'm good."

Sam sniffled angrily. He was trying, but Dean was shutting him down, and making him angry while doing so. And extremely worried at the same time. He couldn't understand what was happening to him; one moment he was angry, another he was picking up peaces of his anger, and so on, and so on.

"Fine" he said. Then fished out two bottles of pills out of his pocket and put them on Dean's nightstand without saying a word. He doubted Dean will take them, but secretly hope he will.

All in all, he needed to figure out where he was standing. He was fully aware of what he said in a hospital, what he did. First, he gave Dean a gun. He apologized the next day and things seemed to be moving forward, but they screwed it up once again. He could clearly recall how he told Dean not to come to him crying for help when it all becomes unbearable. And that was one of the biggest mistakes of them all. Dean _just_ started talking to him more honestly, told him things, and he basically just thrown them back into his face. The look on his brother's face before he left was full of hurt and betrayal.

Instead of fixing things he fucked them up even more. Now Dean heard "I wouldn't save you, don't come to me" not once, but twice.

No wonder he didn't call to pick him up.

Can they even fix all this? It all seemed broken beyond repair.

Sam reached into his pocket for his phone and frowned when he felt something else in there. _Dictaphone_. He completely forgot about it.

What was so important doc wanted him to hear?

He glanced at Dean's still form. Even if there was a hope for both of them, he's going to need to work on his anger, stop it from bursting out. He might have said they were going back how they were before all these months, but he just can't stop thinking about everything he learned. Dean's suicide attempt, probably not the only one, his 'coping skills', everything. He can't brush it off like it never happened. He's not a monster.

Sam put the dictaphone back into his pocket, he was not ready to hear it yet.

He needed a plan.

* * *

thanks for reading:)

leave a review and your worst nightmare


	10. What is burning?

_Hey, peeps. I know, sorry won't cut two months of waiting, but i got an excuse. Ive been procrastinating. Also, I'm a senior and, yknow. Exams and such. I got one last exam upcoming on June 5th and it's the only one exam im afraid of. Wish me luck, pray for me, because that thing is scarier than the president of the US, and i think it says a lot about the exam._

_I wont hold you any longer, so, here it is:)_

* * *

 

Dean slept through the whole day and the night, waking up briefly to take the medicine Sam has given him.

And that was yesterday, it's seven in the morning right now.

All this time Sam couldn't help but wonder, what should he do next. Or if he should do anything at all. It was impossible to predict what might happen next, it felt like everything was spiraling out of control.

He glanced at his sleeping brother and he hated that he had to wake him up. He needed to take his pills and get hydrated. And to eat something.

He probably wouldn't want to go out to the diner with him or to go anywhere at all. He was still off his game.

Also, he needed to take it easy, rest and stay away from the stress. And although Sam has been a complete and utter ass lately, he won't add up to it. He should take a neutral position and considering everything carefully, because current events just proved that he's incapable of handling it without a plan. It all went to shit because of his anger.

He should make pancakes. Dean loves them and maybe it will lighten up the mood a little.

Sam grabbed his jacket and his wallet and headed out through the door. If he's going to bake something, he's going to need some ingredients.

* * *

Dean woke up to the smell of something burning. And _pancakes_.

He slowly opened his eyes and watched through half opened eyelids how Sam was rushing back and forth in the kitchen.

What the hell was he doing?

And what was burning?

Dean slowly sat up, supporting his ribs so they won't hurt as much. Then he stood up and curiously made his way into the kitchen, feeling a little lightheaded.

As he stood in the doorway Sam, was standing in front of the cooker and cursing furiously.

Dean smiled. Sam and cooking never went well. He once managed to put the curtains on fire, he never figured out how tho.

Then he looked around and took the sight in front of him. Just then he realized that the younger Winchester was making breakfast. The table was prepared, well, almost. It was still missing one plate.

He smirked again. Sam was probably trying to make it up to him for all these days of crap.

Suddenly Sam turned around and jumped, almost throwing a plate full of pancakes on the ground.

"Jesus, don't do that," he wheezed out. "How long have you been standing there, man? Scared the shit outta me." he exhaled and put the plate down. Then glanced back at Dean. "Umm… I made us breakfast." he said like a shy kid, even blushing a little. "I doubt that you'd want to go out anywhere and you still need rest, so, uh…" he motioned at the table. "I hope that's okay." Sam looked hopefully at his brother.

Dean stared at the table unsure. He wasn't angry or anything, just… surprised. It has been an awfully long time since Sam acted this way towards him, it felt unreal.

Maybe he was just dreaming?

"Dean, are you okay?" Sam stepped towards, eyeing him worriedly.

"I'm fine" the older Winchester stepped back, to avoid the contact. He couldn't help but notice Sam's devastating reaction towards his move. He didn't step back to intentionally hurt his brother, he just wasn't sure what to expect, it was his natural reaction. "Just a little dizzy, not a big deal." he tried to clarify the situation, blinking rapidly.

"You should sit down"

Dean almost smiled at the instant worry in his brother's voice, but didn't step back this time when he put a hand on his shoulder and lead him to the chair.

"Umm, hope they don't taste like shit" Sam motioned to the pancakes.

"So that's what was burning" Dean smirked.

"Yeah," Sam blushed.

"Well, at least you didn't put the curtains on fire this time".

The younger Winchester laughed. He was finally getting Dean to talk to him.

"Maybe not, but it wasn't far from it."

"Man, you and a kitchen are incompatibles."

"Yeah, well, I think I did pretty well today." he exclaimed and put a cup of coffee in front of Dean, then, to his surprise, poured a shot of scotch into the cup. As Dean stared at him with wide eyes, he explained: "You're dizzy, you need to get your blood pressure up a bit. Although, that's all you're gonna get today, you're still on medication."

Dean still stared in surprise and shock. He couldn't make out it was because Sam was actually giving a damn about him or that he was giving a damn and taking care of him. He was expecting a total ignorance.

"Eat, you gotta gain your strength back." Sam pointed out when Dean did nothing but stare.

He wasn't hungry, although his stomach was demanding for food. He knew he has to eat, but it was one of the things he didn't enjoy doing anymore. Even pancakes and he loved those. Probably that's why Sam made them.

"Is there something wrong?" Sam finally asked after Dean only put like three bites into his mouth and was only pushing everything around the plate. "I can go out and buy something if you don't l-"

"No, they're delicious, I'm just not really hungry." Dean murmured. The feeling of sadness was making itself known. Or maybe it wasn't sadness, maybe it was that hollow, longing feeling in his chest that this moment had awakened in him. Maybe it was because Sam was acting like his old self and was awakening all the memories in Dean's mind, all the memories of what he had lost. His and Sammy's relationship whom he managed to demolish and then buried.

He was grieving.

Dean felt tears gathering in his eyes when memories of him and Sam kept going on and on in his head like an endless movie. He didn't have enough strength to shut them out.

Sam was instantly alarmed when he saw Dean biting his lip and tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked, reaching out to Dean. "Dean? What's wrong, is it your chest, your heart?" he kept asking with wide eyes. "Do you need to go to the hospital? Dean?"

The older Winchester just shook his head and stood up.

"Hey, Dea-" Sam jumped to go after him, getting really worried.

"I need-... Leave me alone." he asked and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Sam was ready to go after him when he heard 'click'.

Dean locked the door.

He never locks the door.

Sam stood there, frozen, listening for any indicator that Dean was in danger.

"Dean, are you okay in there?" he asked.

"I'm fine" came out a muffled sound.

Sam still kept his position.

Why was Dean reacting this way? What was wrong? Did he triggered something?

Bingo.

Sam's eyes went wide when the realization set in.

He told Dean that everything was over between them and today he acted like the past couple of months didn't happen.

He was his brother today.

That probably made Dean remember everything that he has lost. No wonder he looked so lost and devastated.

And now, when he was standing in front of the locked door, separating them from each other like that invisible wall he was building all these months, the damage he inflicted made itself known one more time.

Damn it.

Knowing what he knew, he was terrified of what Dean might do behind the closed doors. For all he knew, he could be cutting his own wrist at this same moment.

"Dean?" he asked again.

Nothing.

"Dean?!" he almost shouted, panic rising.

"Go away."

"But…" Sam tried to argue.

"Please" came out a silent plea.

"Call me if you need anything" Sam said and went to sit back, still eyeing the door.

* * *

 

Dean was sitting on the floor, holding his head in his trembling hands. Tears were streaming down his face and he was doing all in his willpower to stop the sobbing.

He knew Sam was standing behind the locked door, he could still hear him caring.

Everything was just overwhelming for him right now. He couldn't stop the memories, he could only think 'how could this happened to me, why me?' He always tried his best and it was never enough.

And today just reminded him everything he could have had if he would have thought about the consequences of his choices earlier.

He managed to chase Sam away, he needed time to gather himself. It was embarrassing enough he needed to walk away, he didn't need Sam breaking down the door just to see him like this.

It was just… too much.

It felt like the slightest thing could set him off, what was wrong with him?

It couldn't be the medication, he knew they didn't affect him this way.

Dean sighted, controlling his breathing the best he could. His ribs hurt.

Apparently, he finally managed to reach his breaking point.

The older Winchester inhaled deeply and prepared to stand up.

Once he did, he barely recognized himself in the mirror. His eyes were puffed and red, his face was pale and he looked just so sad, so lost, even to himself.

He turned on the water and washed his face, he couldn't walk out looking like this.

After a couple more minutes he looked decent enough to walk out. Dean was just trying to prepare himself for all the looks Sam is going to give him. He couldn't just lock himself in the bathroom if something like this happens again, he needs to gain control of it.

Then a crazy thought pierced his mind.

Maybe I should leave? Sam will be okay and… I'll cope. He wouldn't have to worry or pretend or anything. It's easier this way.

Maybe?

He took a shaking breath and prepared himself to go out.

* * *

 

After a good ten minutes which felt like hours Sam heard the 'click' and turned to look at the door.

Dean walked out, looking like he was crying, which he was. He looked rough.

Sam stood up in case Dean needs help to walk back, but he brushed him off.

When the older hunter sat in the chair, took a long gulp of already cold coffee and looked directly at Sam, he knew something wasn't right. That look… it meant nothing good.

Yet, he still said nothing, was still trying to gather himself.

"Dean, I think we shou-"

"I think I should leave."

Both brothers stared at each other.

Sam almost choked when he understood what Dean had said. This is not what he wanted, that was the complete opposite of what he wanted to say.

"What? Why?" he asked in a complete surprise.

Dean looked down, biting his lip. He looked nervous.

"I-" he started. "I don't think I'm doing anything good here, Samm- Sam. I'm not being much of a use either. And I'm slowing you down." Dean mumbled, still looking down into his lap.

As for Sam, it hurt to listen. Dean was still thinking he was getting in his way, that he's useless and Sam would be better off without him. And that wasn't true. He wasn't some item you throw away when you don't need it anymore, he is his brother for god's sake.

"You don't have to babysit me or make breakfast or anything either, it's okay, you don't owe me anything." he continued.

Sam just shook his head in disbelief.

"Dea, no, no, you do-"

But Dean already turned around and was ready to stand up and take his bag and leave. Sam jumped into action.

"Listen to me, Dean" he grabbed his brother's arm to stop him and kneeled in front of him, trying to catch his gaze. "Listen to me and listen to me good. First, you aren't a burden and I'm not doing all this just because I feel a need to. No, Dean, you are hurt and you're still hurting and you are far from fine, you need help. And I'm here to help you, because god knows you can't be on your own right now. In fact, you should still be in a hospital." Sam talked, still not getting Dean to look at him. "Second of all" the younger Winchester continued. "I do owe you, more than I could ever pay back. And I know that the last couple of months I've been a dick to you, especially for the last couple of days. And I could tell you how sorry I am for hours and it wouldn't make it any better, because I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't believe a word I say. Even if it's the truth. Just so you know, I am sorry for the things that I've said and I don't want you thinking that I don't care whether you live or die, because I do."

Dean finally looked into his eyes. The pain, the sorrow in them made Sam want to curl into a ball and cry himself. His brother looked like he was doing everything he could to keep his emotions at bay. Like he was trying so hard to believe Sam's words.

"So please, please, don't leave." Sam almost begged. "If not for yourself, then for me,because once you walk out that door, I won't know if you're okay, I'll be constantly worrying and will not be able to do anything about it. And in your current state there is a big chance you will hurt yourself further and I will get a call from a hospital saying you're half dead again."

"I can take your number off the insurance if you don't want anyone calling you." Dean murmured and when he glanced at his brother, the horror was evident on his face.

"You better be joking right now, Dean. You better fucking be." he whispered. "Can you hear what I'm even saying? Or are you that desperate to leave?" he asked, searching his brother's eyes.

"Alright, let's make a deal." Sam offered. "You stay with me until you get better. And I mean actually better, not your usual "I'm fine" crap, got it? During this time don't you even dare to sneak out or anything like that, also, don't lie and take your medication. Alright? And then, if you still want to leave, I won't stop you."

Dean bit his lip and sighted.

"Bossy bitch" he murmured, but didn't agree or disagree.

Sam waited and when Dean didn't show any indicator of answering he asked again.

"Dean, do you agree?"

"Why do you care so much where I go or what I do? Last time you said we're over" he pushed, his voice shaking a little.

Sam snorted.

"Dean, I may be a dick, but I'm not heartless. You need help and I know for a fact you won't take care of yourself. Just look at yourself! You're pale, you're still dizzy and you're in pain. If someone marched into this room right now, some demon or angel or whatever else you can think of, you stand no chance. You'll be dead before you even stand up. So yes, I do care, whether you like it or not. I know it's complicated, but it'll do for now, okay? Baby steps." Sam looked hopefully at his brother. He looked stressed.

You think, Sherlock?

"Yea, and one more thing. Remember that doc said no stress? He meant it, so do I, let it all go for now. You don't want to go back to the hospital because of your heart, right? It's holidays for you, do nothing, think about nothing, just rest." Sam talked, but he was getting a feeling that he was convincing himself more than he was Dean.

"I'm serious here, Dean. Don't mess around with stuff like that. I know you think it's nothing, you've had worse, but its already bad enough, don't make it worse. Please." he squeezed Dean's arm. "Please."

Dean looked at him briefly and nodded. He was listening to every word he said.

"Okay, Sammy."

The younger Winchester exhaled, relieved. To get through Dean was hard, even more now than ever. But he got through,he agreed.

And called him Sammy.

He smiled at this nickname. Although he acted like he hated it, it always made him feel loved. And all this time without hearing it made him feel hollow inside, like a huge piece of himself was missing. And earlier, when Dean corrected it to Sam, well, it hurt.

He looked up at his brother and frowned.

Dean looked like he was about to burst into tears. He was shaking like a leaf.

"Let's get you to bed" Sam stood up, nudging Dean to do the same.

He did and then his knees buckled.

Sam wasn't ready for that, but catched him in time and helped to sit down.

"Jesus, Dean, are you okay, what's wrong?" he asked desperately.

Dean leaned his head into his arm and closed his eyes.

"Dean?" Sam insisted again.

"Dizzy." the older hunter murmured.

"Alright, that's normal but not good." Sam jumped to his feet. "Hold on a sec."

Sam poured almost a full glass of scotch and brought it to his brother's lips.

"Drink it up. We gotta get your blood pressure up."

"I thought you said no more today? Or are you trying to get me drunk because I don't swing that way"

"No, I'm not, Dean, sorry, you're not my taste."he smiled. "Cmon, bottoms up."

Dean drank it and then Sam gave him a glass of water. He looked up,surprised.

"Scotch will not help with dehydration."

Dean Didn't complain, but he felt like he was about to start crying his heart out again.

What was wrong with him?

"C'mon," Sam nudged him once again. "You need to lay down."

This time he had one of Dean's hands over his shoulder and carefully lead him to the bed. He couldn't help but notice that he was still shaking.

"Cmon, lie down. Get some sleep. I'll wake you up later." he said gently.

Dean did, still shaking.

"Deep breaths in and out." Sam rubbed his arm up and down Dean's arm and shoulder, somehow trying to comfort him, even when he had a suspicion, no, he was sure that he was the reason of his distress.

Dean himself was confused. Sam's presence comforted him, but also stressed him out. He was shaking because he was afraid that this care Sam was providing, this love he was showing was temporary, just a one time thing. That Sam was doing this because he was a mess and couldn't even eat breakfast without bawling his eyes out. He tried to believe, with all his heart, that it's their way to recovery, but dark thoughts said otherwise.

He grasped onto this hope that it is all real,not just some cruel game. And he wished that Sam wouldn't hurt him again, he knew he couldn't take it.

So he listened to his Sammy, who felt like a memory now, but was ready to come back into his life again.

"It's all fine, let it all go for now." Sam slowly put a blanket over his brother and tucked him in.

"Relax" he encouraged him once more. "We will fix it."

And Sam hoped that it was true, not some other lie who will break his brother down for good. Not some other thing he didn't meant.

He hoped they will get to be brothers again.

"We will."

* * *

_Thanks for reading xx_   
_Leave a review, maybe it'll add up to my luck and i won't screw up during the exam._   
_Have a wonderful day!_


	11. Waffles

_Sooo, thank you for waiting for this lame chapteeeer. At least I'm not dead, right? RIGHT?_

_Anyway, I guess I gave some explaining to do (excuses, excuses....). Couldn't exactly update during summer, half of the time I spend in norwayr, other half weeping that I have to leave my home. I moved to UK, now I'm in a university and I kinda wanna change my course, so, loads of stress and all I wanna do is go home. So this story is a result of my procrastination._

_Here you go_

* * *

 

Sam was making a plan.

Keep Dean close, keep him safe, don't let him out of his sight.

Roll him in a blanket as if he was burrito if needed.

Why?

Because it all seemed… _unstable._

One wrong movement here, another wrong word there… and Dean's gone.

He had no idea what to expect. He was afraid to leave the room, because when he came back, Dean might be gone. He might be dead. He might be a lot of things and that was the reason Sam couldn't sleep at night.

Because Dean wanted to leave.

That's the last thing he would want to do. This is the last resort. That meant things were horribly bad.

At least he wasn't going anywhere now.

Hopefully.

At least he promised he wouldn't, not until they sort things out.

Sam sighed.

This will be the most complicated thing they have ever faced. It's not a monster you can kill overnight, guns blazing and all. This is much, much worse.

The problem runs deep and hurts horribly. Touching it will hurt, but not cleaning it will set an infection in.

They must talk. When Dean wakes up. Don't brush the most painful themes yet Start from the beginning. He needs to understand, so he can help.

* * *

Dean woke up three hours later, feeling a little bit better. Still groggy, but better.

"You're awake" a voice from the other side of the room stated.

_Sammy._

"Apparently" Dean answered.

Sam stared at him for a moment and stood up, approaching him slowly.

"Do you need anything?|" he asked.

"Umm, a bottle of beer would be nice" Dean grinned.

Sam came back with a glass of water. "Not yet, man, get hydrated first. "He handed it to him.

Dean sighed.

"You're no fun," he murmured under his breath.

"Yeah, you're not a patient number one either" Sam shot back, smiling a little.

"All I'm saying is some bedside manner would be nice."

"You had that when you were in a hospital, dude, and I'm not a nurse"

"Yeah? With that long hair of yours, I might have missed that" Dean teased, but then his expression changed a little. "And if you think that I had it in the hospital, you're very wrong."

"Yeah? And why is that? Nurses weren't hot enough?" the younger Winchester laughed, but his smile was cut off quickly when he heard his siblings answer.

"No, because they had me strapped down _like a dog_ , wouldn't let me out for such a silly thing like this" he raised his injured arm. "Oh, and yeah, they _thraped_ me." Dean liked his lips, watching his brother's expression. "Does any of this sound like a good bedside manner to you?

"Dean, that's not what I meant." Sam tried to fix the situation. For some reason whatever he said turned to shit.

"Yeah, I know, Sammy". Dean put the glass on the nightstand.

"You must be hungry." Sam announced unexpectedly. "Do you wanna go out or make something here?"

"Umm, yeah, we could go out" he sounded unsure. "And maybe go back to the bunker, we've stayed here for long enough."

"Sure thing. Are you up for the road trip?" the younger hunter investigated with a critical look.

"Yeah"

"Alright then. How about we go out, grab some grub, then go to Jody's and after that we head back home?" Sam suggested.

"Sounds good to me." Dean nodded. "How's Jody doing by the way?"

"Oh, you know. She's Jody. She's been worried about you tho."

"Me?" Dean almost gasped. "I hoped you didn't tell her that… I- uh…"

"No. I mean, she might have suspected something, I can't tell you that, but no, I didn't." Sam assured.

"Good. So, uh… I'm gonna take a shower" he mumbled, sitting up.

"Sure thing." Sam smiled.

* * *

 

 

Apparently, by getting something to eat Dean meant getting waffles.

And Sam wasn't happy with that, he wanted some real food. But for the sake of his brother's sanity, he didn't say anything.

And Dean looked like a kid on a cold Christmas morning. Sam hadn't seen him this way for a long time, he would be lying if he said it didn't warm his heart.

"C'mon dude, you're not eating those waffles, you're _inhaling_ them. Nobody's gonna take them away from you, slow down" he laughed.

"Why don't you shut up and eat yours?" Dean shot back.

"I am! Besides, it's not exactly food Dean! Also, you need something that is actually healthy and can help you bring your strength back."

"For once in your life, Sam, why don't you eat something delicious and doesn't look like tasteless rabbit food that's been lying on the ground before it appeared on your plate." Dean asked, then frowned. "Also, you could have said something if you wanted to go somewhere else," he added.

And just like a balloon, the light mood that they managed to create shimmered down into nothing.

The younger Winchester noticed how that little happy spark in Dean's eyes was just gone, replaced with regret and guilt.

"I didn't want to go anywhere else, Dean" he tried to fix the situation, trying to get his brother to look at him. "Hey, hey" he reached out for him and finally, the older hunter looked him in the eye. "Look, we deserve to get something like this once in a while too, so, it's not a crime and it's totally okay, aaand, it is delicious." Sam reassured, smiling. "So don't you even dare to feel guilty over this or i will feed you rabbit food for the rest of eternity, got it?"

When Dean looked down Sam grabbed his arm until he looked back at him and asked once again: "Dean? I asked if you got it?"

The older sibling pulled his hand away and muttered: "Jeez, Sam, I got it, alright? No need to be such a bitch about it." he sipped his coffee and smiled. "Do you think they pack these as takeaway?"

Sam rolled his eyes, but offered a smile back.

"I don't think so, dude, besides, we could always stop in another town and you can inhale more of these diabetes in there"

"Such a positive attitude, Sam, I'm surprised how you can still eat something besides grass." Dean teased, sipping his coffee again.

"Hey, it's not grass"

"Well, hey there, boys" a familiar voice approached them.

Both turned to look at the source of the voice and smiled.

"Jody" they said in unison.

"It's nice to see you boys, alive and kicking" she put her hands on her hips. "So, I guess you'll be leaving town soon, right? Since Dean is out of the hospital. How is he, by the way?" the officer turned to Sam.

"He's much better than he was before, still getting dizzy spells, but slowly going back to being a giant pain in my ass" the younger hunter explained cheerfully.

"You know, _he_ is sitting right here and _he_ can talk for himself" Dean interrupted, not amused.

"Oh, honey, I'm sure you can, but when talking about health, especially yours, you're not exactly a reliable source" Jody explained, while Sam grinned, only to be kicked under the table.

"What? She's right! You could be bleeding to death and you would say that you're fine"

Dean just sighed.

"Anyway, thanks for your help boys"

"Oh, you don't need to thank us, Jody." Sam mumbled.

"How is Alex doing, by the way?" Dean interrupted.

"She's doing much better, although, she managed to catch cold somewhere, she'll be fine though"

"That's good to hear, honestly"

"Yeah, anyway, I have to go back to work." she motioned towards the door. "I guess I won't see you around after this, so, this is a goodbye" she waved. "Don't be strangers, boys. You can come by any time" she smiled eventually.

"Will do, Jody. Thanks for everything." the younger Winchester thanked the officer.

"Bye boys. Stay safe."

And just like that, she left the dinner.

"So, you wanna hit the road?" Dean asked.

"Sure thing" Sam said, then pulled out pills out of his pocket. "And since you've eaten, I'd like you to take these."

When Dean's eyes widened and he was about to protest, Sam explained: "It's just painkillers, I can tell that you're in pain. Just take one, alright." He handed a pill to him, waiting until Dean swallowed it. "See? Wasn't that hard?"

Dean didn't say anything.

"Also, you… you should consider taking these" Sam pulled out what Will prescribed for his brother. He was about to protest again, but Sam shushed him up. "No, listen first. I know you probably don't want to take them, but I really think you should." he leaned in closer. "They will help you to deal with things a little bit easier and I think you know that. I'm not gonna force feed them to you, but just consider for a moment that you got a lot in your boat right now and Will wouldn't have prescribed them if he thought they would be useless. But if you still don't wanna take them for yourself, then do it for me. I want you to feel better and if this would help, why not try it?"

When his sibling stayed stubbornly quiet, Sam continued.

"One way or another, it's your choice." he put both bottles in front of Dean. "I just hope that you will choose whatever is best for you."

The younger Winchester watched how Dean's gaze changed from stubborn and almost hurt to soft. He was actually listening to what he was saying and was probably considering options.

"I'm going to pay for this, meet you outside." Sam announced and stood up, gently patting him on the shoulder, then left.

And Dean didn't know what to do.

He still couldn't believe that he was actually worth getting better. He knew pills would help, but they will also make him drowsy. It was impossible to decide, so he just slipped them into his pocket and went after his waiting brother.

This day wasn't that bad after all.

Sam was acting like his old usual self, didn't try to kill him or anything. Also, what amazed Dean the most, he was extremely supportive. He thought that his brother will leave him to deal with it all by himself, but he was wrong.

Maybe he will actually make it all work.

For the first time in a long time, Dean had hope.

* * *

there you have it.  
leave a review. if you have any suggestions for this story, or you want be to make them suffer more than they already do, just tell me!

 


	12. Back home

They were back home by midnight.

Nothing interesting happened along the way. Most of the time Dean was sleeping, Sam, as promised, stopped to get him waffles. 

A ride home was mostly silent. Sam tried to start a conversation couple of times but his brother just shrugged or nodded, staring through the window, gazing into the world, his eyes darting around as if he was searching for answers.

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing, he looked relaxed, considering the circumstances.

The thing Sam feared the most was that Dean will go lock himself in his room and won’t talk to him again. That he’ll start drinking and won’t show up for days, not eating and not sleeping.

He’s going to have to do something about that. First thing when he gets his brother to bed will be collect all the booze, hide it somewhere. Well, maybe except beer. He can’t have anything stronger anyway if he’s using medication. Not that it ever stopped them before.

He’s going to have to go grocery shopping as well, since Dean stopped buying them food. At first Dean tried cooking, offering all kinds of dishes as an apology, but it had taken one time for Sam to leave his plate untouched and he stopped cooking altogether. To think further, he stopped doing everything he used to love.

He stopped being  _ Dean _ .

Jesus...

He let this go way too far. It’s an amazement how Dean even stayed.

Sure, hre tried to leave that morning, wanted to leave, but it was probably more for Sam’s benefit than his own, and because of the recent events, involving hospital. 

One way or another, it wasn’t an option. Sam wasn’t going to let that happen.

So when the Impala stopped at the bunker’s garage his gaze immediately went to Dean. He didn’t want him to go back to his room. God knows what was in there, booze, guns, knifes, pills and other stuff that made him anxious enough that leaving Dean alone with those things seemed dangerous. Besides, going back there might wake up more of those dark thoughts the older hunter was having.

So, no, Dean’s not going back to his memory foam mattress.

“Dean, buddy?” Sam nudged his side. “Time to wake up. We’re home, at the bunker”.

The older Winchester grunted quietly and shrugged off his hands. He reached for for the door and got out without saying a word.

The younger brother grabbed their duffels and ran after him.

“HEY! Wait for me!” he shouted, racing down the corridor.

“What?” the older hunter turned to face him, still sleepy. He just wanted to lie down and go to sleep.

“I uhh- I just- umm-” Sam looked distracted. “Come with me. To my room” he put one of his arms on Dean’s back and guided to his room.

Dean’s face was full of surprise at this point.

“Your room? Why? What’s wrong with my room?” he asked grumpily, but not shrugging Sam’s hand this time. Sam took it as a good sign.

“Just… please, trust me with this one. Please.” he pulled his puppy dog eye look on Dean.

“Umm, alright, Sammy” his brother murmured quietly and followed his lead, not asking any more question.

“Drop your clothes, you need to get some real rest. And get under covers.” Sam demanded, gently, but not leaving any more space for an argument.

“Yes, mom” Dean smirked back, but didn’t argue. He left only t-shirts and boxers on and slid under the blanket, pulling the pillow close and hugging it.

But something coughed Sam’s attention and he drew the blanket back.

“Dude, what the hell are you doing?” Dean protested.

The younger hunter just stared and a long cut on his leg, it was healed, but still looked horrible. He didn’t remember anything happening to his brother that would leave a scar like this one.

“When did this happened?” he asked.

“What? This? Dunno, was hunting something, slashed me up. I stitched it up, end of the story. Let the guy sleep for a while, would ya?” he tried to shush his brother down.

“Yeah, but  _ when _ did it happened, Dean? Looks like it was infected.”

“Jeez, what’s with the twenty questions again? It was infected, but I’m alright. Quit nagging about it.” the older Winchester was clearly unhappy to be asked about this particular problem.

“Dean. When?” the younger hunter didn’t let go.

“When we separated, okay?” Dean finally glanced at him, his voice losing all the anger it held before.

“Tell me what happened. Please.” Sam put a hand on his shoulder, covering Dean with the blanket once more.

Dean kept quiet for a while. Then let his shoulders slumb and started talking with a defeated tone.

“I dunno, honestly. I found some shady looking hunt. Someone was killing people, looked like they were tortured. They had nothing in common, no MO. It looked suspicious from the get go,  i had no idea who was killing or torturing them, or why. Eventually i learned that it was a demon that was trying to capture hunter’s attention. Sadistic bastard.” Dean inhaled deeply and Sam waited with awe of what was coming next.

“The fucker captured me before I even knew what was happening. I woke up in a dark room, locked to a friggin heater. Can you imagine that? To a  _ heather _ . Pathetic.” he giggled, but only for a moment. “Anyway, the demonic SoB knew who I was. He also knew that I was after Abbadon and that I’ve done some business with Crowley. He wanted to know, how, why, well, you know, everything. When that didn’t work out he tried to get out where you and Cas were hiding. Apparently, they still wanna know how he managed to cast the angels outta heaven and, well, they wanted you there as well, because we are so popular among those fellas. So, the longer I kept quiet, the angrier he got.”

Sam didn’t like where this was going. He had no clue it happened altogether. Jesus… 

“Anyway, he got more creative. When he figured broken bones won’t work and he’s not gonna carve the answers outta me… Obviously,” Dean smirked. “I was Alastair’s student, after all. Been there, done that, and the bastard knew that as well, so, he, uhh, well... “ the older hunter got quiet, frowning. Samm was holding his breath at this point, too afraid to move. “Well, he moved to something that might have worked if I would have stayed there a bit longer. He got into my head and messed everything up. God knows how I got outta there, by some friggin miracle. I managed to get out of the cuffs and get to the angel’s blade he left in a room. Like some kind of reminder he’s gonna kill me if I don’t break. You know how it goes.” Dean gulped down the air. He wasn’t looking at Sam. “Anyway, everything's fuzzy after that. I know that leg got infected while i was there, tried to treat it but didn’t work, don’t remember what happened, honestly, but I woke up in a hospital. The whole thing took like 10 days. I remember three, maybe four of them.” he stopped talking, his shoulders slumping further.

Sam thought he’s gonna be sick.

“Dean, why didn’t- why didn’t you call one of us? Or why didn’t i get a call from a hospital? Jesus, i didn’t know anything, wh-”

“I’mma stop you right there” his brother turned to face him. “I didn’t call because i thought i could handle it. Besides, it’s not like we were on a talking terms either. I doubted you would even pick up. As for a hospital, the insurance they must have found on me was a new one. And that Dean Murfy had no relatives. It’s not like you could have changed what happened. Besides, Cas was healing you, didn’t want to make anything worse than it already was. And I’m gonna stop you again,” he help up a finger when saw Sam was about to protest. “I wasn’t dying or anything. Infection cleared up in a few days after they hooked me up with antibiotics and other crap. I could handle it, it’s not like it was the first time.” he made a pause. “Mostly, that thing just messed with my head and for all I knew you were either gone or hated me enough to want me dead.”

“I would never-” the younger brother said immediately. 

“I know that now. Took me some time to get everything under control and understand what was real and what was just a leftover from demonic mind control.”

“So, when we met at the hospital, because Gart-”

“I was still questioning some things. I was back to normal, almost. Meeting with you helped, actually. Kept the ground from shaking. It was still messed up for some time, but I’m alright now, really.” then he looked around. “Or, much better, at least.”

Sam just nodded, finding his voice gone somewhere. What happened to his brother was awful and he knew nothing about it. He was oblivious to the whole thing, and he acted like an ass. 

Sure, he saw Dean’s distraught look more than once, but he thought it was related to their current relationship status, not that Dean was questioning reality.

He knew how awful it was, not knowing what was real and what was not.

“You coulda told me” he leaned closer to his brother, feeling tears pooling his eyes. “I could have helped. And i made it only worse.”

“No, you didn’t.” Dean was quick to reassure. “Like i said, you kept my ground from shaking. A hunt gone south, i got fucked up for a month or two, but I’m past that, alright? You gotta let it go.” he whispered reassuringly, sitting up. His baby brother has taken this to his heart. That was the reason he didn’t want to share any of this. “Now c’mere, you big girl” he put his hands on Sammy’s shoulders and pulled him into a hug.

The younger man stilled for a second, then returned the hug, sobbing quietly. 

They held each other like this until Sam’s sobs quieted out.

“You’re gonna be alright?” Dean asked him, his eyes not leaving Sam’s.

The younger brother laughed. “It should be me asking you that. Not the other way around. But yeah, i will.” then his face turned serious. “Just don’t ever hide something like this from me again. Ever. i don’t care if we’re at each other’s throats or whatever, don’t hide it.” 

“Right now i think it would be hard to go to the bathroom unnoticed by you, let alone be kidnapped by demon for days.” 

“Damn right, so don’t even think about sneaking out.” Sam warned, trying to look serious, but his face lighting up with a smile.

“Is that why I am in your room?” Dean investigated further.

“Now, what’s with the twenty questions?” the younger brother smirked at him. “Go back to sleep, it’s after 1am already. And you’re still recovering.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Dean lied down again and hugged the pillow. “You should do the same.”

“I will, man.” Sam patted him on the shoulder and stood up.

“Go to sleep, Sam.” Dean murmured, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“Just gimme a minute.” he smiled once again. Things were getting back to normal, or so it seemed.

Finally.

.

Eventually, he brought up some more pillows and blankets, curled up next to his brother and fell asleep as well.

It’s not like they haven’t shared a bed before. It was oddly comforting. Besides, this way, he could keep an eye on Dean.

He got up early in the morning, finding Dean silently snoring next to him. It brought a smile on his face.

Sleeping Dean looked so young, so vulnerable.

He left a note, saying he’ll be back shortly and went to do some shopping.

Groceries first, he bought everything he could think of, starting from eggs to pie. He picked up some more supplies for their first aid kit as well. And he was back in an hour, finding Dean still asleep.

He threw the note into the trash can and went to the kitchen to make some breakfast.

“What ya doin’?” a sleepy voice startled him.

Sam jumped. Literally.

Dean laughed.

“Jesus, Sammy, what kind of hunter are you if I can creep around you and still scare you?” he asked lightly, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“Well, first of all, I’m at home and I don’t expect to be attacked, so, sue me.” he turned to face his brother. “How are you doing?” concern was back in his voice.

“I’m alright, honestly.” the older brother sat down, looking at Sam. “What are you doing here, cooking?  _ Again _ ?” he smirked. “You’re tryina burn the place down or something?”

Sam huffed.

“I’m advanced. Besides, to make some scrambled eggs isn’t that hard.” he put some of that in the plate and placed it in front of Dean. “Eat.”

“I hope it isn’t poisoned.” the older hunter mumbled and picked up a fork. Then tried some of Sam’s making. “It’s quite good.” he looked up at Sam. “I could get used to it.”

The younger Winchester smiled at that and put some for himself as well.

“Why are you so keen on making me food anyway?” Dean asked out of the blue.

“Because,” Sam sat down and looked at him. “You just got out of the hospital. Because you’re still not well. Because you’re my brother.” he enumerated, slightly stressing each word. “Because I was a total dick to you for way too long and i want to make it up to you..” Sam looked down, ashamed. “Because I can. Because i want you to get better. And because i don’t want anything like this happening ever again.” he put the fork down. “Enough reasons for you?”

Dean just stared at him, full on stared. Then went back to eating.

“Don’t get me wrong, Sam, I’m grateful, I am, it’s just… it still feels like a dream or something.” he shifted uncomfortably. “It still feels like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and then it’ll all turn to shit once more.”

The younger brother stared at his brother, biting his lip. He knew the feeling.

“I know, Dean. I know that it’s not easy to adjust to this and that’s the whole problem.” the sipped his coffee. “The thing is, things should have been this way the whole time, not because something happened. But we both seem to be butt headed oblivious assholes and can’t seem to do what’s good for us, not until it’s almost too late anyway. So, now, we’re fixing it and the other shoe won’t drop, Dean.” he tried to reassure his brother, who looked troubled once again. “I believe you and I been through enough to get a break from all that crap.”

Dean sighed. 

“Yeah, I guess we do.” he looked up at Sam. “What do you wanna do today?” he asked, clearly not wanting to go back to a previous conversation.

“Well, I’d say how about you go and get your meds while I clean this up” he motioned to their plates and gave his brother a sharp look. “I can see that your ribs are bothering you. Don’t be stubborn and go get them.” he said, standing up. “And then I’m gonna grab some snacks and we’ll watch a movie.” the younger Winchester smiled, watching Dean’s surprised face.

“But we have research to do, I mean-” he tried to protest, but no avail.

“Dean, you’re still recovering. We are on a very deserved break. No research and no cases for a while. You need to recover and we need to work on our relationship. So, relax” the younger hunter patted his surprised looking brother on a shoulder and picked up their plates. “Go on.”

“Alright, I’ll just take a shower and.. Uh… alright” Dean went out of the kitchen. He clearly wasn’t expecting _ that _ . 

And just like that they ended up lying on the bed almost all day, watching movies and eating snacks, joking around lightly and having a fun time in general.

Sam felt good seeing his brother so relaxed and actually smiling after such a long time. And he wondered, why in hell he hurt him that bad in the first place. At that time it felt good, seeing him so hurt, but god, at what cost? This,  _ this _ was so much better, and this was what actually mattered. How could he be so blind?

“Sammy, you alright?” Dean’s worried voice pulled him out of his thoughts. His brother was staring at him with huge, worried eyes, full of love and devotion.

_ Dean’s love for you is so pure, he would do anything for you, he would cut his own arm if you’d ask him, and you took his love and rubbed it in his face, while saying ‘fuck you’ _ .

“Sam?” the older man asked again, putting his arm on Sam’s.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just…” the younger brother bit his lip. “I’m just thinking that I put you through so much crap that you didn’t deserve, and yet, here you are, still next to me and still trying to comfort me.”

Dean smiled at this.

“We deserve a break, Sammy-boy. Besides, where else would I be?”

They looked at each other, smiling.

After all, that’s what brothers do, right? Support each other along the way without asking anything in return.

\-------

Thanks for reading xx

Leave a review! 

(hope the upcoming chapter won’t kill you.

Not sorry.)


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